Thursday, March 29, 2007
Writing an obituary
Last night I got a call from my neighbor, Jack. He wanted me to come over with a pad of paper and a pen, telling me he had a task for me.When I arrived, he teared up and asked me if I'd write Hetty's obituary. No, Hetty has not yet died, she was napping when I arrived, but the hospice social worker had given Jack a pamphlet Tuesday that listed the symptoms of an actively dying person. Jack read it carefully, highlighting those symptoms that Hetty is experiencing (not interested in eating solids, only interested in drinking liquids, tired all the time, etc.). I think it was then that he finally understood and accepted that Hetty isn't going to get better and that she won't be here with us much longer. I think this is what prompted him to call me.
You may wonder why he's asking me, his neighbor, to write his wife's obituary, rather than his son or daughter? Truthfully, I wondered the same thing. Jack simply said that he didn't want to burden his children with this task but, for his own peace of mind, needed it taken care of in advance. He did ask me to contact his daughter and let her have final approval on what was written for Hetty's obituary.
So, I sat down at their kitchen table with Jack and dictated facts from him about Hetty, when she was born, when they were married, her career, her retirement, surviving family members, and things she'll be remembered most for.
Last night I typed up an obituary for my neighbor, Hetty, who hasn't died quite yet. What a surreal experience.
Now I have to call Hetty's daughter and somehow delicately broach the subject, asking her to read her mother's obituary and approve it ahead of time. How does one do this exactly?
**Edited to add**
Thank you all so much for your supportive comments and prayers! I do appreciate it.
I spoke with Hetty and Jack's daughter over the phone today. I stumbled over my words in the beginning, not sure how to explain the purpose of my call without causing her pain. I decided the direct approach was best.
She took it well and we talked for over 30 minutes. She cried a bit and opened up and shared some of the family dynamics. It was actually nice learning more about her parents through her experiences.
So, the conversation went well. I emailed her the obituary and she's going to review it, possibly make suggestions, and send it back.
Whew! I'm glad that task has been completed!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Hospice Care
Our 85 year old neighbor, Hetty, has been referred from the hospital and admitted into the Hospice facility, as of Sunday. What this typically means is that her doctors have determined that she terminal cancer and has a life expectancy of 6 months or less and therefor qualifies for the Hospice program.I've visited Hetty twice now, both times just on my own. The first time her husband, Jack, was there. The three of us chatted and Hetty got a bit teary eyed and mentioned that maybe it would be best if she just gave up. Jack quickly chastised her and said, "I thought we agreed not to talk like that anymore."
The second time I visited Hetty, was last night after I got Snuggle Bug down to bed. Thankfully the Hospice facility is close by our house so I was able to get there before 8:30 p.m. and Hetty was still awake and restless. I brought Hetty some fresh baked cookies in the hopes of enticing her to have a bit to eat. She hasn't been eating well lately.
Hetty's battle with cancer these past 15 years has been so hard on Hetty, Jack, and their 2 grown children. This past 6 months has been the roughest because the cancer got into her brain and the radiation treatment she went through has weakened her. She can't walk now.
In the past year almost 2 years that I've known Hetty, her courage and determination have impressed me. Her positive attitude has been inspiring. But now, these past few months, I've had to watch her suffer humiliation at the loss of control and see the hope slowly drain from her spirit. I've heard her fears of dying and leaving her husband of nearly 60 years. I've also heard the fears of Jack, who's not sure what he's going to do without her.
I'm actually glad she's been admitted into Hospice. It's a wonderful program with a holistic approach to the care of people who are actively dying. Pain management is a large part of the care, but spiritual and emotional needs are tended to as well. It's not just about the care of those who are dying, it's also about helping the survivors to cope and work through their own grief. The Hospice staff are very kind to Hetty and are taking good care of her. I used to be a Hospice volunteer many years ago and, listening to Hetty talk about that "nice young man" who makes a point to talk to her (he's a hospice volunteer) so kindly, it's nice to see from the other side how much that volunteering matters. I've always felt the pull to get back into Hospice volunteering and I know I'll do it again soon in the future. For now, I will devote my energies to being there for Hetty and Jack.
Hetty is anxious to return to home and there's a chance that this may happen. Hetty and Jack's children, who live out of state, are working with the Hospice staff to try to arrange in-home care for Hetty. If they can get that figured out, then she will allowed to go home. I believe she wants to die at home, rather than in a hospital or hospice bed. I don't blame her.
You know, all of our days are numbered and only God knows when our time will come. I just hope that if I'm in Hetty's position, facing my mortality and counting down the days until the end, I will have her courage, dignity, and grace in those final hours.
Prayers for Hetty and her family would be much appreciated!
