The time has finally come for me to devote my energy to writing Part 6 of our adoption journey. I'm going out of town tonight, to CA to spend a long weekend with Oronzo's family for our niece's 1st birthday celebration (yes, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, having just spent the week with my family). I'm not sure if I'll be able to access my blog or not, so I thought I’d better get Part 6 out before I departed.

I left off in Part 5 with the Giselle calling to talk.

My heart pounded against my ribcage as I heard her voice. I remember we exchanged pleasantries and I asked her how she was feeling.

"I'm a bit sore, but doing better than I expected," Giselle told me. "I'm relieved that it was such an easy delivery for me. How's Snuggle Bug doing?"

I filled Giselle in on the status of Snuggle Bug and then there was an awkward pause before the real reason for the call was announced, "I'm not sure yet but I may want to come say 'Hi' to the baby. If I decide to come, what would be a good time tomorrow?" Giselle asked quietly.

I immediately focused in on the fact that she want to say, "Hi" to the baby, rather than "Goodbye." Is she changing her mind?, I wondered.

I explained to Giselle, "We should be released from the hospital tomorrow, but we won't know for sure until the doctors make their rounds. You could come around 8 o'clock or so, if that works for you. He's usually awake and alert at that time."

Earlier that morning, the hospital Social Worker had taken the release forms to Giselle to sign, giving us the right to take Snuggle Bug home with us and we were told that Giselle had signed them with no qualms. Giselle had checked out of the hospital shortly after that and returned to the apartment that she shared with her mother and younger sister.

"I'll call you tomorrow morning if I decide, I'm just not sure yet," she admitted to me.

"No problem," I assured her, swallowing past the lump of terror in my throat. "We'll be here."

I hung up the phone gently and relayed the conversation to Oronzo. He was much calmer about the whole situation than I.

"You know, it's probably better that she come to see him here, if that's what she decides to do," Oronzo said. "Then she'll know and we'll know once and for all. I'd rather it happen this way then getting a call from her later, asking us to bring Snuggle Bug to her apartment."

I knew he was right, it was best if she had a chance to see him, hold him, and make her decision again. In my heart I knew he was right, but I just couldn't get past my fear of loosing this child that I wasn't yet allowed to call my own.

I decided then and there to shower this babe with all the love I could offer, for as long as I was able. This situation was beyond my control and, now more than ever, I needed to accept that reality.

I wasn't able to eat much dinner that night and I didn't sleep well, in part due to Snuggle Bug's night feedings and in part due to my stress level.

We were up early the next morning, and I anxiously waited for the phone to ring. I just wanted to know what was going to happen, either way. The not knowing was killing me!

The phone rang at 8 o'clock. It was Clara, not Giselle.

"I woke Giselle up at 7:30 a.m. to see if she wanted to go to the hospital to see Snuggle Bug," Clara informed me. "She told me 'No' but she may change her mind."

I didn't know how to respond to that so I simply said, "Okay."

"I'm on my way in to work right now but if Giselle changes her mind, her grandmother can take her."

"I understand," I told Clara. "I'm still not sure how long we'll be here. We're waiting for the doctors to make their rounds."

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd call Giselle before you check out of the hospital to check again if she wants to stop by and see the baby."

My mind was screaming, Why is it up to me to try to pressure Giselle into seeing her baby? How can Clara ask this of me?!, but I calmly told her, "Okay." I felt powerless to refuse her. Too much was at stake.

Shortly before 10 o'clock a doctor came in and checked Snuggle Bug over. He was pleased with his progress with eating more and having wet diapers so the doctor agreed to release him to go home with us. As the nurse got the discharge papers together for us to sign, I picked up the phone to call Giselle.

Chloe answered the phone and I explained my purpose for calling, "Your mom asked me to call Giselle to let her know when we're leaving the hospital, in case she wants to stop by to see Snuggle Bug before we take off. We'll be leaving around 11 o'clock."

"Okay, I'll let her know," Chloe promised.

As I hung up the phone, I told Oronzo, "Okay, I made the call. The ball is now in Giselle's court."

We left the hospital around 11:30 a.m. Oronzo pulled the car around to the Southeast entrance and spent several minutes making sure Snuggle Bug's infant car seat was properly secured in the center of the back seat. It took forever to get home and I noticed a lot of cars passing us along the way. I looked over to see Oronzo driving 10 miles under the speed limit. He was being extra cautious with the baby in the car. It was so sweet!

We fed Snuggle Bug when we arrived home, then we put him in a sleeper gown, swaddled him in a blanket (we learned early on that he loved to be swaddled tight), and tucked him into his bassinet next to our bed so that he could nap. I stood and watched him sleep for quite a while before finally dragging myself away to return phone calls to family and friends, sort through the mail, and do laundry.

We never heard back from Giselle before leaving the hospital, and we realized that we were now in waiting mode. We left the hospital with Snuggle Bug on a Friday, Giselle was scheduled to go in to her lawyers office to sign the termination paperwork the following Monday morning, five days after his birth.

I knew that every time our phone would ring, I would be fearful that it was Giselle calling to tell us she wanted Snuggle Bug back. I knew that if she did call, there wasn't a damned thing we could do because we were only considered temporary guardians.

I remember our lawyer coaching us to think of ourselves as babysitters, until the day Giselle signed the termination paperwork. I know he was trying to help us guard our heart, but once Snuggle Bug was born and I held him in my arms, watched as he examined me carefully with intensity, and calmed to my touch, I realized that there was no possible way to guard my heart. Against my will, I was already feeling like his mommy, not his babysitter.

Okay, that's all for now.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 7.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug