I can't believe it, this is my 200th post! How did that happen? Whew, I just type a lot I guess.
I'm not sure what one does to celebrate a 200th post, but I must confess, I'm feeling a bit emotionally drained today so I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind for celebration.
Our research efforts for Adoption #2 are, unfortunately, causing me considerable stress and anxiety at the moment. I foolishly thought that our efforts to adopt a second child would be much easier simply because we are already parents to a beautiful little boy and we have so much blessing in our lives to focus on. If only it were that easy.
The more I research various agencies and now the State, the more confused and distraught I feel. I just don't know what to do!
Do we scramble to get together anywhere from $10,000-$20,000+ to adopt through an agency and have at least the assurance that at some point we'll become parents a second time again (because even if an adoption is disrupted you don't have to ante up again, you just get put back in the pool), and try to let go of my annoyance at having a 3rd party in the form of an agency mediate and control that process?
Or, do we play Russian roulette with the State by going through their foster-to-adopt program where we don't pay fees but we take the chance of having to wait 12-24 months after a child is placed in our home to find out if we get to adopt that child and have even more people involved in our lives and even less control? At the meeting last night I learned that we'd have a 40%-50% of being allowed to adopt a child in a foster-to-adopt program and that we'd have anywhere from 6-7 people involved in our lives on a fairly regular basis up until the child is able to be adopted, if that comes to pass. Of course, the State's first and foremost priority is to re-unite that child with their biological families. I understand that and I believe that this is the way it should be. But that doesn't prevent me from still being very concerned with the emotional damages our entire family would suffer if that came to pass with a child we'd had in our home for an extended length of time was removed on short notice to be returned to their family. Why can't I be okay with this risk like Oronzo is? I want to be okay with this risk but it still terrifies me!
And then there's the private, domestic adoption scenario where we're matched through a family member or a friend, like we were with Snuggle Bug, where we have some people involved in our process, but not nearly as many as the two previous situations I've listed. A private, domestic adoption is the scenario we most desire to have happen, but it's not happening thus far. And even if it does, there are still no guarantees there either. I know, there are no guarantees in life, period.
I think the decision I'm making at this point in time is to not make a decision. I'm feeling too discouraged at the moment. I think I need to spend some time weighing the financial impact (agency adoption) against the emotional impact (State adoption) and try to figure out which one I'm better equipped to handle. I don't know that answer yet.
I can't control all of this, I learned that with Snuggle Bug's adoption. I've done what I can for now with all the research, questioning, and comparing. Now I need to offer it all up to God in prayer and ask Him to lead us to the right decision, the right path for our next adoption journey. Many of you have commented that our next child is out there waiting for us. I believe that. I need to remind myself to have patience and to let God's will be done.
And in the meantime, I'm going to give my little Snuggle Bug all the love and attention that I can and allow myself to take joy and comfort in his sweet natured presence in my life because he is truly a blessing to us.
As always, thank you for listening and thank you for your moral support.