Monday, August 18, 2008
Working on finding peace, one day at a time.
I'm working on finding peace after the shock of returning Baby Bug to her parents last Friday and learning that they do NOT want contact with us going forward as they lead us to believe.
I've cried a lot this past weekend, at the drop of a hat really. I've talked to all of my siblings and many of my close friends and just having them available to listen to me work through my pain has helped. Oronzo has been fantastic. He comforts me when I need to cry and tells me I have every right to feel the feelings I'm feeling (these feelings have ranged from pain, sadness, and even anger...anger at Baby Bug's parents for misleading us and anger at myself for believing what they told me). His support is helping me get through this. Reading your comforting comments and knowing that so many prayers are being offered up on our behalf (and on Baby Bug's behalf) has helped too. Thank you so much!
I've packed away the 3-6 month and 6-9 month clothes of ours that we were using for Baby Bug. That was hard but I'm glad I did it. I also put away all baby stuff, items that Boo is too old to play with and use. I figure it'll be better not to have to look at them. I can always take them back out when we're ready to get put back on the open list and get another infant placement.
I find myself looking through the many pictures I'd taken of Baby Bug during her 8 1/2 months with us and watching the videos I recorded of her antics. Oronzo worried that this would be too painful for me, but I find it helpful. It helps me feel like I haven't totally lost her. I have plenty to remember her by.
Oronzo and I took the kids on a day trip Saturday and that helped get my mind off of my sadness. I've been trying to keep busy playing with Snuggle Bug and Boo.
I miss her. I miss Baby Bug and my heart aches for her. I wish I could hold her or even see her and her brilliant smile one more time. I think about her all the time, even when I'm trying to keep busy. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she's figured out yet that she's not coming back to us. I know she'll be fine. I know this is far more painful for me than it is for her. I'm glad that's the case. I'm glad little ones are resilient. I can't help but worry about her and wonder if her parents will continue to do well or if they will stumble and fall after the birth of their second child who is due in October. I had hoped we'd be there to help them with the adjustment of their new addition (Baby Bug will be 11 months old when the new baby comes and having two that close in age will be tough) but I now know that they do not want our help.
I'm still beating myself up for falling for Baby Bug's parent's talk of them wanting us in their lives after Baby Bug was returned to them (they led me to believe this right up until the day we brought her back to them). How could I have been so naive? Really, if I were in their shoes, would I want to continue contact and have the constant reminder of such a painful period in my life? I'm not sure I would.
Unfortunately, this experience has taught me that I need to be more guarded and not so willing to put myself out there to the extent that I did with Baby Bug's parents. I will absolutely give 100% of myself in the caring of the children that I have in my home because they deserve that, but I will be more cautious with the parents that we deal with in the future. And I will just assume that if/when a child is reunited with their family that the last day that we have the child will truly be our last. I will not get my hopes up that I will have the opportunity to see the child in the future. It sucks that it has to be this way but I don't want to be blindsided again like I was with this first placement. This has been a painful lesson indeed. I'm not very good at guarding my heart but I need to get better if I'm going to continue fostering.
I'll get through this and be stronger because of it. I know that. And one day our keeper child will find her way to us. Unfortunately I'm not convinced that I'll be allowed to keep and adopt Boo either but I'll love her while I have her.
I'm just taking all of this one day at a time and praying that God grants me peace and strength to continue on with fostering.
I am absolutely sure about one thing. I am glad that we loved Baby Bug to the fullest during the time that she was with us. It hurts to have her gone but I'm so thankful for the joyful memories we have of our time with her. It was such a gift to see her grow and flourish in our care. We made a difference in a child's life, in Baby Bug's life, and I couldn't be happier about that.