Today is Baby Bug's 2nd birthday. I haven't heard from her mother or seen Baby Bug since April of this year. Her mother just stop keeping in touch or returning my calls.

Labels: Baby Bug

There's something that's been weighing heavily on my heart lately and I'd like to share.It's been over a month now since I've last seen Baby Bug.  In early April, I met her at the mall with her mom and baby brother.  We spent time shopping together at Gymboree and then I chased her around the mall play area.  She laughed, and laughed as I caught her in my arms, swooped her upside down and then set her back down to chase her all over again.  I took some pictures of her that day, not realizing it might be my last time seeing her. 

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

First of all, thanks for all the lovely well wishes that you all have left me in the comments section of my last post.  I appreciate the support!  No new news to report.  We're still waiting to hear whether or not an appeal is being filed.  I'll let you all know when we know.

Labels: Baby Bug, Boo, foster children, fostering

Before I begin, if you're looking for my Favorite Ingredients Friday post, it's right here.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Things have been hectic in my world lately but I wanted to share a little foster care news with you all.

For Boo

Labels: Baby Bug, Boo, foster children, foster-to-adopt, fostering

I can't resist sharing with you what happened today.

As you know, Baby Bug was returned home to her parents in August and we fully expected never to see her again, despite the fact that her parents told us they'd be inviting us to her first birthday party (she turned 1 yesterday).

It's been a long, hard 3 months without her and I've prayed that we would get to see Baby Bug in person again and know that she was doing well.

Well, today that prayer was answered! Her parents called yesterday to explain that they'd moved to a bigger place last week and they had been sick, so Baby Bug's 1st birthday party was being postponed. But they asked if we'd like to come over to see Baby Bug, rather than waiting until her first birthday party plans could be figured out. Of course, I told them we'd love to!  After hanging up, I had myself a good cry...tears of joy this time!

So, today after church and brunch, we drove over to their new town home and saw Baby Bug and her new baby brother, who is 1 month old (he slept through the whole visit as babies that small tend to do)!

We weren't sure if Baby Bug would remember us or not and for a minute or so she just looked at us and was really quite, but then her mom handed Baby Bug to me to hold and she came willingly and snuggled right up in my arms. Her mom said that was proof that she remember me because Baby Bug is at the age where she's experiencing separation anxiety and usually doesn't let anyone other than her parents hold her.

In no time at all Baby Bug was crawling all over Oronzo and I on the floor, giving us hugs, laughing at Snuggle Bug and Boo playing, and showing us how quickly she can crawl and how she's cruising along furniture with ease. She's going to be walking in no time!

Snuggle Bug and Boo remembered Baby Bug as well and seemed just as happy to see her as we were. She was all smiles at the sight of them.

It was so good to see how much Baby Bug has grown (she's still a tiny peanut, but she's grown) and to see her beautiful bright smile and hear her infectious laugh again! And it was comforting to see how well she and her family are doing now.

Today was a wonderful reminder of why we're fostering. We may not have been able to adopt Baby Bug as we would've liked, but we loved her dearly and helped her (and in some ways her parents) when it was needed most. And now they're all doing really well and we got to witness that first hand. What a blessing!

Baby Bug's mom told us to call anytime that we wanted to see her because they certainly don't mind visits. I expect we'll see her again for sure at her first birthday party!

Thank you, God, for answering my prayer!  What a joyous day today is!

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Baby Bug will be turning 1 year old this Saturday and, although her mom has called a few times since she was returned home, we haven't seen an invitation to her first birthday party in our mailbox as we were told we would.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

I didn't expect to have the opportunity to give an update on Baby Bug but I do have one to share.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

I'm working on finding peace after the shock of returning Baby Bug to her parents last Friday and learning that they do NOT want contact with us going forward as they lead us to believe.  

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Today was hard and it ended up being much, much harder than I expected.

We had Baby Bug with us all morning and most of the afternoon.  I gave her a bath this morning, played with her, took her for a walk, fed her, rocked her, and marveled at her new ability to pull herself up to cruise.  I watched her giggle and play with Snuggle Bug and Boo.  I talked to her, explaining what was going to happen, just in case her baby brain could understand any of it.  I prayed for her and her parents.

I soaked in every smile, every laugh, every hug that she shared, knowing that these would be the last that we'd share with her in our home.   I took many pictures of her these past two days.

Then, the time came to load up the car with her belongings, pick her up and walk her through our house to say, "goodbye" to the home that she's shared with us for the past 8 1/2 months.  I loaded her in her infant car seat one last time and made sure she was buckled in safe and sound before loading the other two kids in.

Oronzo and I called her parents to let them know we were on our way so they were at the door waiting for us when we arrived at their apartment.  Baby Bug's dad took her from me and gave her a big hug.

We brought in her belongings and I gave both her parents a hug and told them how proud I was of them and how happy I was for their family.  Baby Bug just smiled her big bright smile the whole time.  I even took a final picture, of her parents holding her...a family reunited.

Then the bomb was dropped.

I reminded Baby Bug's parents that CPS had pushed through a final $300 clothing allowance for Baby Bug, even though they knew she was going home, and that we'd received the money.  I had made plans with Baby Bug's mom last week to schedule a shopping spree when we got the money.  I figured that even though the money was issued to us for Baby Bug, her mom might appreciate being able to pick out the clothes for her daughter.  Last week her mom sounded enthusiastic about the idea of going shopping with me.  So, this afternoon I asked Baby Bug's mom when she'd like to schedule this joint shopping spree.  

That's when they spoke up and told us that they'd decided it would be best if there was NO CONTACT for the next 2 1/2 months.  They said they'd invite us to Baby Bug's 1st birthday party on 8 November, but until then they felt it would be better for their family to have time to bond.  They knew how attached Baby Bug is to our family and worried that if we were visiting, she'd suffer from separation anxiety when we left.   They told us that they'd talked with their child therapist about it to make sure that no visitation from us wouldn't be harmful to Baby Bug (if the therapist had said it would be, they would've gone ahead with visits) but the therapist told them she'd be adjust and be fine.  So then they discussed it with the CPS worker and let her know their decision.  Apparently we were the last to know.  Baby Bug's mom mentioned something about this being her first decision as a parent and she was nervous about it but she felt it would be best for the adjustment and bonding of their family.

Needless to say, I was floored by this whole conversation, because up until today we'd been lead to believe that we could see Baby Bug occasionally, have play dates with her, and be a source of support for their family.  We're even listed on their Safety Plan that was presented to the judge (if something happens we're on the list to call if Baby Bug needs a safe place).  I was shocked to hear that they'd changed their minds (when, I don't know exactly but at some point) and that they felt it best that there would be no contact until at least 8 November.

I managed to choke out that I respected their decision and I asked if they'd be okay with me calling on occasion to see how she was doing and they said that would be fine.  They even offered to mail us pictures.

They thanked us again for all that we've done for Baby Bug and for them.

Suddenly, saying a final "Goodbye" to Baby Bug was more painful than I could've imagined.  I've always felt that this goodbye would be bearable because I'd have the chance to see her again, to be assured that she was okay and to watch her grow.  But there I was having to give her a hug and a kiss with a fake smile on my face, trying not to cry in the process, wondering if this was really the last time I'd lay eyes on her.  

We left and once we got to our car and pulled away, I couldn't stop crying.  I was so devastated and felt like an idiot for building up this fantasy in my mind of how it would be, how we'd become like extended family to them and be a source of ongoing support for their family.  I had convinced myself that I'd be able be like a beloved aunt to Baby Bug as time went by.  It hurt to have the rug pulled out from under me and to understand the reality that her parents probably just want to put all of this behind them and move on with their lives, without us involved as a reminder.

Poor Snuggle Bug, he asked why I was crying and Oronzo explained to him that I was sad because Baby Bug was going to live with her parents forever now.  Snuggle Bug asked, "You okay, mommy? Don't cry."

I begged Oronzo not to drive us directly home.  I didn't think I could face walking into the house knowing that Baby Bug was gone for good.  Oronzo took us to the mall instead where we stayed until Snuggle Bug and Boo were too tired to stay any longer.

Here's the thing, I don't actually blame Baby Bug's parents for wanting a couple of months to totally bond with their daughter and to have her realize that they are her parents and now her only caregivers, without her affection for us complicating things.  It's just that the way this decision was sprung on us the day we returned her frankly hurt.   I felt as though someone had punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me.  I guess it would've hurt even if they told us a week or a month ago.  I guess there's no easy way to explain such a decision.

The sad thing is that I feel like I've lost trust in them.  They say they have every intention of inviting us to her first birthday party in November and that they'll even invite us to her baptism sometime after that, but I find myself having a tough time believing that.  It feels too much like this is the end of the line.  We know they're moving to a bigger place when their lease is up in October but we don't know where they're moving to (they don't even know yet) and I suspect that we won't be told.  I really will be shocked if we're invited to her 1st birthday party.

In the end, I need to focus on what's important, as Oronzo gently reminded me today.  We've done our job and done it well.  We took in a failure-to-thrive baby and gave her all the love, attention, and affection that we had to offer.  We had a small part in helping her parents get their lives back in order and get their daughter back.  We returned their daughter to them healthy, happy, and well adjusted.    We've done our job as a foster parent.  That has to be enough.  All that's left now is to try to stop crying (I think that will take me a while) and to find some comfort in this truth.  All I can do now for Baby Bug and her parents is to pray for them, and I will.  Baby Bug will forever be in my heart and prayers.  As our first foster child, she will always be extra special to me.

I do want to thank you all for your supportive comments in my past posts.  Your words touch my heart and I appreciate the comfort you offer.

I'll get through this.  It's just going to take some time and probably a whole lot more tears.  

Thank goodness we have our keeper, Snuggle Bug.  I take comfort knowing that he's not going anywhere!

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Tonight I've spent some time clearing out the dresser drawers used for Baby Bug's clothes.  I'm packing many of her things neatly in the extra large duffle bag that her parents packed up shortly after she came to us last November.  They packed all of her newborn clothes that night to give to us, fearing that she would never return  home to them.  Now it's my turn to pack up all of her clothes, knowing she's going back home for good.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Baby Bug will be returned to her parents next Friday, 15 August, for good.  Even though we fully support this reunification and have a lot of respect for her parents and all they've accomplished these past 8 1/2 months, my heart is going to break a little once pack up all her things and deliver her home and leave without her for the last time.  I've told my boss that I'm taking that day off of work because I know I'll be in no mood to put on a brave face and do my job.  I'm probably going to want to go home and have a good cry!

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering

Today there was a dependency review for the parents of our youngest foster daughter, Baby Bug. The outcome was what everyone expected.

CPS, the state rep, and all the lawyers were finally on the same page, advocating to the judge that Baby Bug be returned home to her parents. This is the first time that Baby Bug's lawyer has been on board with this plan, so Oronzo and I suspected that her buy-in would influence the judge to grant CPS the discretion to begin a transition plan to get her home.

That's exactly what happened. The judge is willing to allow the transition to begin to get her home. CPS has set a target return date of Friday, 15 August. It's being left up to us and Baby Bug's parents to decide on how that return will happen. I'm advocating for us to be allowed to deliver Baby Bug and all of her possessions to her parent's home, bringing Snuggle Bug with us so that we can see her happy in her home with her parents and have a sense of closure. I think that's important for all of us.

So, I did pretty good throughout the court hearing. When the judge asked for my input, I spoke clearly of my support for the decision to reunify Baby Bug with her parents. They've worked hard these past 7 1/2 months, still remaining 100% compliant with every aspect of their case plan, and although we'll miss Baby Bug dearly we agree that she belongs back home with her parents.

After court, when I was asked to stay behind and speak with Baby Bug's parents and the CPS worker to arrange the beginning of overnight visits, I must admit that I broke down and cried. The emotions were just too intense to hold in.

I felt bad that I cried on what was a very happy occasion for Baby Bug's parents and I assured them that I was truly happy for their good news. But the thought of saying a final "goodbye" to this precious baby girl left me feeling overwhelmingly sad as well.

Baby Bug's mom actually started tearing up too and her dad was quick to assure me that it wouldn't be a final goodbye because they wanted to keep in contact with us. I half teasingly told her parents that Oronzo and I want to be considered an honorary aunt and uncle to Baby Bug and they told me that'd be great because what little family they do have in town they're not on the best of terms with.

So, we've got her with us (part time) until 15 August. ((sigh)) I pray the good Lord gives me the strength to survive these final days with her and beyond.

This certainly has been an emotional couple of weeks in our world of foster care.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering, leap of faith, letting go

Lately I've been immersed in yards and yards of tulle as well as ribbon, beads, silk flowers, and small sparkling jewels. I've been filling orders I'm receiving for custom made tutus.

I thought you might like to see a couple of pictures of Baby Bug modeling one of my recent creations. Her latest trick is sitting up on her own so I had Oronzo take some pictures of her at the park in her tutu and matching hair bow with the intention of creating a photo collage to give Baby Bug's father this Father's Day (I did something similar for Baby Bug's mother on Mother's Day). Isn't this baby just so darned cute?!

Tonight I'll be working on some 4th of July tutus (red, white, & blue tulle embellished with matching ribbon, red sequins, and stars) that I have on order. I'll have Boo model one of my 4th of July pictures to show you.

If you you're interested in having a custom made tutu created for your little girl, email me at sales@sparkleandcharm.com and I'll share some specifics.

P.S. I owe one lucky winner a $10 gift card to be used for any of my Sparkle and Charm Boutique products but before I randomly select a winner, I need to find the time to post more of my products (beaded jewelry, beaded bookmarks, tutus, etc.) so that you have a wide variety to choose from. Sorry for the delay!

P.S.S. I'm still trying to find the time to compare all the web designers that contacted me offering to design my Sparkle & Charm Boutique online store. I haven't reached a decision yet but I hope to in the near future!

Labels: Baby Bug, cuteness, Sparkle and Charm Boutique

If you remember, I posted not long ago about the fact that the time is drawing near to let go of Baby Bug. I think the thing that has stressed me out the most is the thought of never seeing her again. I'd always wonder how she's doing and what she looks like as she grows older.

Last week I was on the phone with Baby Bug's dad, discussing an upcoming visit and out of nowhere he says to me, "We've been talking and if you don't mind, we'd really like you and Oronzo to keep in touch even after Baby Bug returns home."

I about fell off my chair when I heard those words and I wanted to cry in relief! I told him, "I've been trying to work up the courage to ask you if we could maintain some form of contact after Baby Bug goes home. We've grown quite fond of your daughter over the past 6 months!"

Baby Bug's dad told me, "You and Oronzo have been so good to our daughter, and to us, that it wouldn't seem right to get her back and never see you again."

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers! Knowing that Baby Bug's parents are willing to keep in touch with us after she returns home and will allow us to visit her makes this reunification goal so much easier now.

I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering, leap of faith

The clock is ticking and our time with Baby Bug is running out. As a result, simply put, I'm struggling.

Another milestone has been reached in her case. Beginning this week, her parents now have visitation with her Monday-Friday, 9 AM-4:30 PM. It's almost to the point where they have more time with her than we do. I know this is as it's meant to be.

By the end of this month, we will have had Baby Bug living with us for 6 months. The past 6 months with this precious child have been hectic, chaotic at times, and somewhat muddled (lack of sleep and all) but it's also been joyful, rewarding, gratifying, and a blessing.

At 6 months old Baby Bug has more hair (I put it up in a little pony tail at the top of her head this morning for the first time). She's more vocal, wants more interaction, is getting 2 teeth, is trying to sit up on her own, is rolling over a lot, and is quite engaging. She's back to sleeping through the nights, although she likes to wake up at 5:30 AM still to play and then go back to bed around 7 AM. She is a beautiful child who is good natured and quick to smile. She charms everyone she meets. She has melted my heart.

Last night after tucking her (and the other two kids) into bed, I had a bit of a pity party. I laid in bed with Oronzo and cried at the thought of her leaving for good. I explained to him that, although he seems to have come to terms with this inevitable conclusion and has found peace with it, I am still struggling.

I truly admire Baby Bug's parents and I'm proud of the painstaking progress they've made with their case plans. They're still both 100% compliant and anxious to have their daughter back home. Intellectually, I support this and I know it's right for her to be reunited with her parents but my heart still aches at the gradual letting go.

I told Oronzo last night that I'll need his support now more than ever (as the visits increase) and when she is reunited with her parents for good. I need him to allow me to grieve, without reminding me, "We knew this was the way it was going to be early on."

I told him that I need to be the one that packs up her things and carefully places them in her bags to go home. I need to have quiet time alone with her to hold her, say my goodbyes, and pray for her.

I need to see Snuggle Bug holding her one last time and I want to take their picture together. Based on how attached he's gotten to her, I know he'll miss her too. After Baby Bug is gone, I'll probably want to pull Snuggle Bug into my lap and rock him as I used to when he was a baby, just to remind myself that I have a child that is most certainly staying.

I warned Oronzo that I'm going to be emotional for quite a while after she's gone and that I'll want a bit of time before we're put back on the open call list for another placement. We'll still have Boo (I assume) and I'll be content with just her and Snuggle Bug for a while as I grieve for Baby Bug.

I also told Oronzo that I want to approach Baby Bug's parents and ask if they'd allow us to be a small part of their lives, even after Baby Bug returns home. We've had a good relationship with them from day one, so I hope they won't feel threatened by this request. They don't have much family or a lot of friends here in this city and I'm hoping they'd be interested in counting on us for friendship and support even after they're totally finished with CPS and the system. I'd love to be able to visit occasionally and see Baby Bug grow and develop, maybe attend her first birthday party or take her to play in the park with us.

Of course, I understand that this could all just be my little fantasy. Her parents may say, "We'd rather not, we just want to put this all behind us." Or maybe they'll tell us "Yes, that'd be fine," but then never return our calls. I have to accept that once Baby Bug returns home to her parents for good, I may never see her again. I pray that this is not the case because she'll be taking a piece of my heart with her and I want to know that she's happy and safe.

Please pray for me as I accept that it's time to truly begin to let go, that my role in Baby Bug's life as her advocate and protector is nearing it's completion.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering, leap of faith, letting go

Sorry I've left many of you hanging as to how Baby Bug is doing.  She's doing better...sort of.

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering, illness

Baby Bug has been sick recently.  She started feeling warm yesterday afternoon and we gave her a dose of infant Tylenol at around 4:30 PM.  Her fever continued throughout the night, despite the additional doses of infant Tylenol every 4 hours.  She started to have projectile, watery diarrhea and she became listless and agitated.  She even started moaning in her sleep!

Labels: Baby Bug, foster children, fostering, illness

I've been meaning to update you all on Baby Bug's frustrating situation that I blogged about here and here but I needed some time to cool off and see how things played out. I'm ready now. And while I'm at it, I'll update you on Boo and Snuggle Bug as well, but in separate posts in the very near future. This post will be devoted to Baby Bug.

The short of it...CPS got their way. They are no longer providing any transportation for Baby Bug and Baby Bug was enrolled in a nearby daycare this past Monday. I'm less than thrilled!

Now, for the details (fair warning, this is going to be a long post!).

I will give Baby Bug's CPS worker (and her supervisor) credit for being quite clever. Not only did she successfully maneuver out of transporting entirely for this case, but she also presented the daycare situation to Oronzo in such a way that he couldn't help but be swayed to her way of thinking! I was at work the morning she came to discuss it with him.

Here's how things now work:

1) Baby Bug is enrolled in a nearby daycare. CPS is picking up the tab, entirely. We're not sure if they have her enrolled PT or FT but since we're not paying I guess it doesn't matter.

2) Three days a week, Oronzo (or myself) is responsible for dropping Baby Bug off at daycare by no later than 9 AM. The daycare opens at 7:30 AM so in theory we could drop her off as early as 7:30 AM. That will happen over my dead body. She will arrive at around 8:45 AM-8:55 AM.

3) On those three scheduled days, Baby Bug's parents are responsible for picking Baby Bug up at the daycare no later than 9 AM and they must have her returned to the daycare by 4:30 PM. Oronzo or I have until 6 PM to pick Baby Bug up from daycare. Again, I can assure you she will not be languishing in daycare until 6 PM.

4) I demanded some guidelines of my own in this less than desirable situation. First, I informed the CPS worker that I would be calling the daycare center each morning at 10 AM to make sure that Baby Bug had been picked up by her parents, so that she wouldn't be sitting in there all day, unbeknownst to us if her parents didn't show up. If they hadn't arrived by 10 AM, I told the CPS worker that Oronzo or I would go pick her back up and it was to be understood that her parents had then forfeited their entire day's visit. Second, if Baby Bug's parents were going to be late in dropping her back off at the specified 4:30 PM time, I expected them to call and let the daycare center know so that we could be warned. I made it clear to the CPS worker that if Baby Bug was not there when we arrived to pick her up and her parents hadn't called the daycare center, then we were going to call the CPS hotline, which involves the police going out to her parent's house to retrieve Baby Bug. Baby Bug's parents haven't done anything thus far to lead me to believe that we'd have any problems but I wanted it to be made very clear that if problems began there would be consequences and I needed to make sure that CPS would back me up. I needed to do my best to look after Baby Bug's interests since it seemed as though no one else was doing so! The CPS worker agreed to my stipulations and conveyed them in a letter to the parents.

Although I hate the idea of Baby Bug in daycare, her parents seem to hate it as much as I do and so far this week she's not been in daycare for more than 30 minutes each day! Yes, our tax payer's dollars are being wasted in such a way as this, since CPS (the State) is picking up the daycare tab. It's a joke, really!

We started this on Monday. Oronzo arrived at the daycare with Baby Bug at 8:45 AM and found Baby Bug's mom already there. Not only that, she had been there for an hour waiting! She was so nervous about the chance of being late and so excited at the thought of being allowed to have an all-day visit with her daughter for the first time in four months, that she left their house really early and got to the daycare an hour before Oronzo arrived! What a way to start things off on the right foot. My admiration for Baby Bug's mom increased even more that day! Monday afternoon, she had Baby Bug back at 4:30 PM on the dot and I picked her up on my way home from work at 5 PM. Baby Bug's mom arrived early the next two mornings as well and has been very punctual in returning her.

I feel bad that her parents have been left holding the bag as far as transporting for visits, especially since they have to travel across town, but they don't seem to mind one bit. They are just thrilled to have more time with their daughter.

Baby Bug's visitation with her parents is going to be increasing steadily over time. If this three days per week schedule goes well, after a while it'll be increased to four days, then five. Eventually they'll get some overnight visits and then weekend visits. The ultimate goal, of course, is reunification and her return home to her parents on a full-time basis.

I have such mixed feelings about all of this. On one hand, I'm happy that her parents are getting more time with their daughter and I'm very hopeful that they will continue to do well and do what they have to do to get her back. I really do think this is a good thing.

On the other hand, the more time she spends with her parents, the less time she spends with us. So far, the increased visitation doesn't really cut into my time with Baby Bug because it's mainly while I'm at work. But it won't be long until I see less and less of Baby Bug. I know this case has absolutely nothing to do with me but it's going to be emotionally hard for me to let go of Baby Bug, little by little.

I love this child as if she were my own, knowing full well that she's not. I "know" her and she knows me. Her face lights up like a Christmas tree anytime she hears my voice or sees me walk into a room. I know what each of her cries mean and how to comfort her. I know exactly how to hold her when she's over-tired and needs to get to sleep or if her tummy is hurting her. I love buying her cute little outfits and making her hair bows/clips to match! I love holding her close, rocking her, and surrounding her in song and prayer. I love caring for her and keeping her safe.

Baby Bug's next court date isn't until mid-July and even then it's uncertain as to whether or not the judge will consider Baby Bug's parents ready to get her back but by then she will have been with us for 8 months and I think, if they continue to do so well, her parents will have a very good shot at getting her back at that point in time.

So, our time with Baby Bug is dwindling. My heart aches at the thought of it. But, while she's still with us, I will be the squeaky wheel advocating for her best interests. Obviously I'm not going to win every battle, but I won't go quietly. She deserves the very best and I intend to do everything in my power to see to that while I am able.

That's all for now. I'll update you all on Boo and then Snuggle Bug very soon, so stop back again. As always, your prayers and your support are much appreciated!

Labels: adoption #2, Baby Bug, foster children, fostering