This adoption video brought tears to my eyes, reminding me of our first magical moments with Snuggle Bug, meeting and holding him at 2 minutes old.

I wish I would've recorded those first few moments with Snuggle Bug, but we were so terrified of it all falling apart and trying so hard to be respectful of the decision that had to be re-made.  So we had no extended family present the day of his birth and no video recording.  We have pictures and our sweet memories.

Has it really been 10 years since the birth of our amazing son?  What a blessing he has been in our lives!

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, babies, God, miracle, Snuggle Bug

I've decided I miss this blog. I miss the bloggers I used to be in frequent contact with. Perhaps I should carve out a bit of time each week for blogging and whip this blog back in to shape. What do you think?

Labels: adoption #1, family, friends

As Boo's adoption finalization date approaches (a bit over a month away now), there's a whole lot of adoption talk going on in our household.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, adoption #2, Boo, family, foster-to-adopt, fostering, Snuggle Bug

I've updated you on Baby Bug and Boo and now it's time to update you on Snuggle Bug. In specific, I'm going to share with you the effects I see that our fostering has had on him.

Snuggle Bug has had his life turned upside down these past few months! Having two little girls join our family has been quite an adjustment and one that's not easily explained to a 3 year old.

When Baby Bug arrived after Thanksgiving last year, he didn't seem to mind too much. She was a cute little thing and he was fascinated with having a 3 week old baby in the house. We explained that Baby Bug's mommy and daddy couldn't take care of her right now so we'd be taking care of her for a while. We were careful not to refer to her as his sister or say, "Our baby" as we weren't sure if how long we'd have her. We were trying to prevent him from getting too attached. That didn't really work.

Snuggle Bug has become very attached to Baby Bug, and she to him. He goes out of his way to help her. He comforts her when she cries, he tries to feed her (notice him practicing on his stuffed bear) and change her diaper. He tries to make her laugh and always succeeds. At five months old, Baby Bug seems to adore Snuggle Bug as much as he adores her. They most certainly have a connection and he's quite protective and possessive of her at times.

Snuggle Bug understands that Baby Bug has a mommy and daddy of her own. He has always gone with Oronzo to drop her off for visits with her parents. There are times when she's not at our home that Snuggle Bug will say, "She seeing her mommy and daddy" so we know he gets that.

I do worry about how he will handle the day that we have to send Baby Bug home to her parents for good. I know he'll miss her but how sad will he be? Will he worry that he can be sent away too?

Snuggle Bug's relationship with Boo is a bit more complex, because she's closer in age to him and mobile, not to mention that he never had time to ease in to a relationship with her. One day she just showed up and was in his space!

With the addition of Boo we've unfortunately seen behavior from Snuggle Bug that we're not used to. He's acted jealous, bossy, whiny, and clingy. His laid back attitude seemed to fly out the window for a time. We certainly understand why this has happened but that hasn't made it any easier to witness.

There are days when I want to pull my hair out with the refereeing I have to do because Snuggle Bug is snatching toys from Boo and telling her what she can't do or because Boo is plowing through toys that Snuggle Bug is playing with as she tries to play too.

I often have to stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself to be patient with both of them. They both have had enormous changes in their short little lives and they deserve some patience and understanding. I know that, if we're allowed to adopt Boo, things will get easier as they get older. We're already seeing great improvements just in the two and a half months since Boo joined our family.

There are some very sweet days too. Just the other night we went out for pizza and Snuggle Bug, Boo, and even Baby Bug were playing, making each other laugh, and having a grand time together. Snuggle Bug was helping Boo with her dinner and I sat back and soaked up the happy display of camaraderie. It felt like we were truly a family. For that brief period of time I was able to let go of the worrying about if/when we have to give the girls back. For that moment in time, all was right with the world.

In addition to the adjustment of fostering, I can't help but wonder when the light bulb will go on for Snuggle Bug becoming aware of the fact that he was adopted? I talk to him about his adoption in a very basic sense. I read him adopted related children's books (his favorite is "A Mother for Chaco"). I add his birth parents into our evening prayer routine. I do these things because I want him to grow up knowing he was adopted. I want that to be a natural part of his life, something he can feel comfortable talking to us about anytime he has questions. So far, he doesn't seem to have any inkling what adoption is all about and I'm sure that's because he's only 3 years old.

I still have a good relationship with Snuggle Bug's birth mother, Giselle. I send her updates and pictures by mail and we exchange emails from time to time. I actually got a treasure trove of pictures sent to me by Giselle's grandmother (Snuggle Bug's great grandmother). They're pictures of Giselle from infancy through high school. It's amazing to see how much Snuggle Bug looks like her at the same age! I'm thrilled that I have these pictures for him. Now I just have to get some of his birth father, if possible. We never hear from him.

Other than coping with the effects of our fostering and me wondering what Snuggle Bug will think of his adoption when he's old enough to understand, I'm truly relishing being this precious boy's mother. He's smart, has a great sense of humor, he's compassionate, and he's quite handsome. He loves baseball, cooking, art, music, outdoor activities, taking walks around our neighborhood at dusk, and so much more. Thankfully, he's still willing to give his mama hugs and kisses, he still looks to me to kiss his boo boos to make them all better, and he still thinks the world revolves around Oronzo and me.

We are so blessed to have been chosen to parent this amazing little boy and I thank God frequently for that blessing!

Labels: adoption #1, expanding our family, family, fostering, parenting, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 9 anticipating Snuggle Bug's Adoption Finalization. That day arrived before we knew it. He was a week shy of 3 months old. The previous day, we'd had him baptized and some of my family came in from out of state and some of Oronzo's family attended as well.

Snuggle Bug's Adoption Finalization Day was a day of flurried activity with some of our family with us to be a part of the moment. I dressed him in a brand new outfit and we hustled out the door to drive to the courthouse.

Oronzo was viewing this day as merely a formality, since he already considered Snuggle Bug his son and a part of our family. I was treating it as a major milestone in our adoption journey and was sufficiently excited and a bit nervous.

I didn't consider the Finalization as the end of our journey because we'd be raising Snuggle Bug with the knowledge that he joined our family through adoption, but I was excited that this day meant the focus would shift from what the lawyers and the adoption agency needed from us to what we as a newly created little family needed. I was most excited about the fact that we would be officially recognized as a family in the eyes of the law.

Snuggle Bug's Adoption Finalization Day was a bit unique. Since Peyton, Oronzo's father, is a judge he was able to request a judge in our city that was a family friend of sorts. And because of that connection, we had a specific time and a courtroom reserved just for us, rather than being one of many families that day who didn't know when their time would arrive to step forward. Ours was a private affair.

Most Adoption Finalization court proceedings take about 10 minutes. Ours took about 30 minutes. We had some family members from both sides there in the courtroom with us. We also had our lawyer, the adoption agency social worker, the judge, a court reporter, us, and the star of the show, baby Snuggle Bug.

"Our" judge was spectacular! Not only did she do the normal legal stuff (reviewing the paperwork submitted by our lawyer and the social worker, asking them to explain why they were recommending us, asking us if we understood the importance of what we were about to do) but she also asked us to tell her our adoption story. She wanted to know more than just the facts that were presented to her on paper. I told our story in a voice shaky with emotion and had to stop to collect myself when the tears overcame me. Oronzo picked up where I left off and finished.

When the adoption was final, she then asked if any of our family members had anything they wanted to add. There were a few nice comments but the one who stole the show was Peyton. He had cleared his own court schedule (Monday's are always the busiest for him) to come and be a part of this day.

Peyton stood up and spoke with an emotion filled voice, "I am proud to welcome Snuggle Bug into our family. I'm happy to see the family name being carried on by my eldest son's eldest son. Snuggle Bug will always be a much loved part of our family."

Peyton's speech filled my eyes with tears again (yes, I ended up being quite weepy that day and Oronzo positively beamed with happiness). It meant so much to Oronzo and I to know that he (and all our family members) were accepting Snuggle Bug into their hearts with no reservations or differentiation. He simply became, "one of ours" in their hearts and minds the day the termination paperwork had been signed. It was nice to have them there to witness this final step in the adoption process.

After all the legal words were spoken and the paperwork was signed, we took pictures. We took pictures of the 3 of us as a family, pictures with our lawyer and the social worker, and we made sure to get a picture of Snuggle Bug with his judge. We even mailed her a copy of that picture after the fact. A quick side note, we see this judge nearly every Sunday now at a little cafe that we go to after mass. She's tickled that she gets to watch him grow, since she normally has no contact with families after she finalizes their adoptions.

When we were finished with the pictures, we all went out for lunch to celebrate! Snuggle Bug was passed around the table and showered with love. He also got some thoughtful gifts. One of my favorites is an adoption related picture frame that Alezia picked out for us. I don't have it's saying with me at the moment, but I'll add it when I can. Oronzo bought me a Precious Moments figurine that showed a mother and a father, with a little boy between them, holding an adoption decree.

As I mentioned earlier, this was an emotion filled day for me. A day of joy, celebration, relief, and a bit tinged with sorrow as I thought of Giselle and Quinn, and they were in my thoughts the entire day.

I've noticed in the Adoption Community that many parents refer to this day as "Gotcha Day!" and celebrate it like a birthday or an anniversary day. At the risk of offending, I'm going to admit that this "Gotcha Day" phrase makes me cringe. To me, it conjures up images of bragging about taking possession or ownership. Snuggle Bug is not a possession to own. He's a beautiful soul that we've been entrusted to care for during our time here on earth. I find the phrase insensitive to both adoptees and birth parents and I will never use it with any of our children.

As for celebrating Adoption Finalization Days, I don't have a problem with that, although we don't in our household. Snuggle Bug will know all about his adoption history. The pictures are carefully arranged in a scrapbook and will always be accessible for him to look at whenever he chooses, not just on the anniversary date of his Adoption Finalization Day. He will know of Quinn and Giselle. We'll answer any questions that he has along the way with complete honesty. But, we won't constantly dwell on the fact that he was adopted, mainly because we view him as our son, not our "adopted" son and we don't want him to grow up thinking it is only his adoption that defines him.

We don't have all the answers and we've never claimed to. We plan on taking things one day at a time and doing the best we can for Snuggle Bug. And if he ever questions my love for him, I will tell him, in the words of Jenna (one of my favorite bloggers), "I couldn't love you more if I had given birth to you."

If you think this is the end of my adoption posts, you're mistaken. As things pop into my head regarding Snuggle Bug's adoption I'll be posting. As we get more into our 2nd adoption, you can bet I'll be posting! So please, stay tuned for more.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 8 with us receiving the call from our lawyer that Giselle had terminated her parental rights and that we were free to keep Snuggle Bug and petition to adopt him.

When we got home, I got Snuggle Bug out of his car seat, walked into the house holding him close, and started crying again. I had an outpouring of tears of relief, joy, sorrow, and of hope. The tears just kept coming and coming. Poor Snuggle Bug got quite a shower. He didn't mind. He was fast asleep, his tiny head resting against my heart.

Eventually I laid Snuggle Bug in his bassinet to sleep and shortly after that, the phone rang. It was Giselle.

"OW, it's Giselle. I just wanted to make sure that you'd heard, I signed the paperwork a bit ago." Her voice sounded calm, but I thought I detected a bit of a catch in her words.

The floodgate of my tears re-opened and I sobbed, "I'm so sorry you had to do this!"

Giselle started crying as well, "I've been preparing for this day for 9 months."

We cried together over the phone. I wished she were next to me so that I could reach out and hug her.

"If it's not too painful, can I send you some newborn pictures of Snuggle Bug soon?" I asked Giselle tentatively.

"I'd like that," she said quietly.

We talked more about our hopes and dreams for Snuggle Bug. Before ending our conversation I told Giselle, "Please keep in touch. I really want to know how you're doing. Call me, email me, whatever works best for you."

I wasn't sure if she would keep in touch. I was so afraid to be the one to contact her and cause her more pain than I was certain she was already feeling. For the next 3 months, as we waited to finalize Snuggle Bug's adoption, I found myself missing Giselle far more than I had anticipated. I missed seeing her. I missed her updates. I missed her company. I felt a connection to her (I still do), the first mother and the adoptive mother connected forever by a child.

Giselle set the precedence of contacting me after she received pictures and an update from me. She'd email me to let me know how much she enjoyed the pictures and she'd tell me a bit about what was going on in her world. Our post adoption agreement was to send pictures and an update once every 6 months, but I found myself wanting to send them more frequently. I had to tread lightly with this, for more than one reason.

First, I was afraid of invading Giselle's privacy and I wasn't confident that she'd tell me if it got to be too much. I've heard many first mothers say that they were afraid to speak out for fear that the adoption would be closed. I’ve always tried to assure Giselle that we would always honor our commitment, but I’ve never been certain that she still doesn’t have that fear.

Second, I had to also think of Oronzo. He made it clear to me that he committed to what he knew he could handle...pictures and updates every 6 months, nothing more, nothing less. He was honest about that with all of us involved (including Giselle and Quinn) from day one. I knew he wouldn't appreciate it if I was reaching out to Giselle with far more frequency than we had agreed to.

It was tough. It's still tough. I feel like I'm doing a balancing act, trying to please everyone, including myself. I have always made a point to share the info from Giselle's emails with Oronzo (she has emailed me a few times over this past year and a half) and he listens and occasionally asks questions. And this Valentine's Day he took an awesome picture of Snuggle Bug dressed as a cupid and I let Oronzo know I wanted to send a copy to Giselle then, so she'd get it on Valentine's Day, rather than have to wait for our next scheduled update in June. He was fine with that.

We occasionally get phone calls and gifts for Snuggle Bug from Giselle's grandmother, Ellen. She mainly mails him children's books, and the occasional stuffed animal. I'm careful to mark each book from her with a note on who it came from. After he's outgrown them, I'll store them in a special place to give Snuggle Bug when he's older.

We've also received the various letter or two from Giselle's mother, Clara, and one from Ellen. I have these tucked away in my hope chest, along with Giselle's printed out emails, saving them for Snuggle Bug. I'm hoping that Giselle will one day send the letter and pictures of her and Quinn that she's mentioned wanting to do, but so far she hasn't and I'm not going to pressure her.

We don't hear from Quinn. I've learned, from Giselle, that Quinn's way of coping with this adoption is to not talk about it. It hurts Giselle at times because he doesn't look through the update packets that we send, although she said she has caught him looking at the pictures of Snuggle Bug that she has framed and displayed in her room.

I know that Quinn loves Snuggle Bug. Perhaps one day I'll get an email or a phone call from him, asking for an update. I'll gladly give it to him, informing Oronzo in the process. For now, I have to be content with knowing that he and Giselle are still together and that he has access to the info that we send her.

Well, that's all for now. I meant to discuss Snuggle Bug's Adoption Finalization Day, but I guess I'll do that in Part 10.

To read the final chapter in my 10-part series describing our first adoption journey, see Part 10.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 7 with us waiting to hear if Giselle would sign the termination paperwork.

After spending about 2 1/2 hours at our friend's house, we decided to stop at a shopping mall. Oronzo said he wanted to get some matted picture frames, but we both knew we were desperately trying to distract ourselves as we waited to hear the news.

When we got to the shopping complex, Oronzo went to his store and I took Snuggle Bug into a nearby Hallmark store to browse through their 50% off Christmas ornaments sale. That's when I received the call on my cell phone. I had Snuggle Bug in my arms and couldn't pull out my cell phone in time, so I missed the call!

I fumbled with my cell phone and, with shaking hands, retrieved the voicemail message that I saw was from our lawyer. The message he left said, "Hey, OW, it's your lawyer. Giselle's lawyer just called and everything is signed! I'll call you tomorrow. Bye!" The time stamp on the voicemail message was 5:18 p.m. That time remains etched in my mind, and for the longest time, the voicemail message remained on my cell phone and I replayed it more than once.

Afraid to believe what I had heard, I immediately rushed to call our lawyer back to confirm that what he had said was true. I caught him as he was on his way out the door. He confirmed that yes, she had indeed signed, and Giselle's lawyer had told him that she was in pretty good spirits.

I stood outside of Hallmark, holding Snuggle Bug close, and tried to wrap my mind around what I had just heard. She signed! She didn't change her mind, despite the not-so-subtle pressure from her mom. She signed! That meant that we got to keep Snuggle Bug, this precious child, and proceed with our Petition to Adopt! Tears started streaming down my face as the pent up anxiety started to slowly melt.

I quickly called Oronzo's cell phone and shared the news! He was on his way back to pick us up and joined us a couple of minutes after my call. He leaned over and gave Snuggle Bug a sweet kiss murmuring against his soft head, "My son."

We were both overjoyed and extremely relieved. We both felt that things would be downhill from that point on. All that was left was to Petition to Adopt and then have a court date set to finalize the adoption. We left the Hallmark store and went into a children's toy store nearby and browsed. I felt like I was in a daze.

The first person I called to share the news with was my older sister (to be referred to as Tia). If you remember, Tia was the one that called me minutes after Snuggle Bug had been born, heard him cry, and started crying herself. Tia burst into tears of relief when I told her the termination paperwork had been signed. I realized then that the wait had been almost as hard on our families as it had been on us.

Oronzo's first call was to his mother. One-by-one, we placed phone calls to other members of our families, returning all the calls we had ignored, up until that point. It felt so good to be able to tell our family that Snuggle Bug was staying and becoming a part of our family.

I did think of Giselle and Quinn during this time, knowing they'd be grieving for their loss of Snuggle Bug. It dawned on me that there was a sense of guilt on my part, mingled in with the joy. With the signing of the paperwork, it hit home again that our joy and happiness came at the expense of someone else's pain and sorrow. I vowed to do my very best to give Snuggle Bug all the love, guidance, and support that I could to make his birth family's sacrifice meaningful. I also vowed that he would have truthful answers to his questions as he grew older, that he would know as much as I did about his birth parents. They would always be a part of him and I would never deny that connection.

Okay, that's all for now. Believe it or not, there's more to this story (a phone conversation between Giselle and me and much more), so stay tuned for Part 9.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 9.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 6 with us having brought Snuggle Bug home and anxiously waiting for Giselle to sign termination paperwork that following Monday.

Our original intent was to stay holed up at home. Since we didn't know if we would be allowed to keep Snuggle Bug, we wanted to save our family and friends the pain of getting to know him only to have him returned.

Somehow, our attitude changed. Despite the uncertainty of it all, we were so excited to have this precious child in our midst and we wanted to share our excitement and joy. We decided to attend a Christmas Eve party that some friends of ours were given and we took Snuggle Bug along.

I'm sure some of you may be appalled that we would take a 3 day old baby out to a party, but it wasn't some wild party, it was a gathering of close friends, many of whom had offered great support to us throughout our adoption process. And Oronzo and I have never been of the opinion that newborns are extremely fragile and should be isolated.

So, we went to the party for a couple of hours. Then, the three of us went to Christmas Eve mass. It was important to me to attend mass with Snuggle Bug and Oronzo. Up until this point, Oronzo wasn't much into going to church and I had been going every Sunday alone. But I asked him if he'd go that night so that I could have my family with me. I told him that we had much to thank God for. He surprised me by agreeing to go.

Christmas Eve mass was beautiful and seemed even more of a spiritual experience to me than usual. I'm sure that was due to the fact that I had a tiny babe nestled in my arms and my husband standing beside us with his arm around my shoulders. I was filled to overflowing with love and peace. I said a special prayer for Giselle and Quinn, as I knew they must be in a lot of pain at this point.

Oronzo surprised me at the end of mass by telling me, "If you didn't go so darned early in the morning, I might attend mass with you once in a while." He was right, I preferred to attend mass at 7 a.m. each Sunday.

"Okay, how would 9 a.m. work for you?" I asked. Was God softening his heart through this child? Family members had assured me that once Oronzo became a father, he'd probably start going to church with us. I didn't believe them. Perhaps they were right after all!

"Better than 7 a.m.," was Oronzo's response. "And we'd have to go out for a family breakfast after mass."

"It's a deal!" I quickly agreed.

The next day, was Snuggle Bug's first Christmas. He didn't seem all that impressed. He was more interested in sleeping and eating. Clara called at 9 a.m. to see how he was doing and we let her know that he was settling in nicely. After chatting with her a bit, I wished her a Merry Christmas and let her know that Giselle and Quinn were in our thoughts. I wondered if they would call. They didn't and I was too afraid to call them.

Later that morning, Oronzo's parents asked if they could come over and spend time with Snuggle Bug. They assured us that they were aware of the uncertainty of it all, but they wanted to see him anyway. How could we refuse?

Peyton and Aleiza came and held Snuggle Bug. They cooed at him, they rocked him, they examined his tiny toes and fingers. They fell instantly in love with him, as we had. They spent quite a bit of time with him and produced and insane amount of gifts for him (this was just the beginning of the grandparent spoiling). They asked after Giselle and Quinn and we told them what we knew.

Before they left, we found ourselves agreeing to stop over for the family Christmas gathering that afternoon. We hadn't intended to stay long, but when we arrived with Snuggle Bug, he was whisked out of our arms and passed around amongst all the relatives. I have one cute picture of Larissa holding Snuggle Bug, balancing him on her extended stomach. At the time, she was 5 months pregnant with Rebecca.

Snuggle Bug was absorbed in to Oronzo's family and showered with love. How could we deny him this, even if we weren't allowed to keep him? It was foolish of us to think that keeping him at home was the best thing for all involved. He deserved those initial days of love, no matter what happened.

That Sunday we stayed close to home, holding Snuggle Bug, caring for him, napping with him, loving him. By this time, Oronzo and I had already worked out a night feeding schedule, each of us taking shifts so that we both got at least a little sleep. It wasn't so bad. As the day of termination grew near, so did our fears. Would she sign or wouldn't she?

Monday morning, we were up at the crack of dawn, restless and anxious. Our lawyer had told us that Giselle was schedule to meet with her lawyer at 10 a.m. to sign the papers. He told us he'd call us after it was done.

10 a.m. came and went with no word from our lawyer. The nail biting began. I realized that I felt sick to my stomach. I was holding Snuggle Bug close to me the whole time, refusing to set him down. I stayed in my pajamas, refusing to leave the house. Family members started calling and we ignored their calls. There was only one person we wanted to hear from.

By noon, I couldn't take it any more and I called our lawyer. It shouldn't have taken 2 hours to sign paperwork, right?!

"Yes, this is OW. I'm calling to ask if you've heard from Giselle's lawyer. Has she signed the termination papers yet?"

"Well, I've heard from Giselle's lawyer. She didn't make her 10 a.m. appointment," our lawyer explained. My heart leapt into my throat at these words! My brain was sluggish in trying to process what this meant.

"Has she changed her mind?" I asked with a catch in my throat.

"It doesn't sound as though she has," my lawyer tried assured me. "She's got some post-pregnancy pain this morning and just didn't feel up to going in at 10 a.m. She told her lawyer that she'd try to get in later this afternoon or sometime tomorrow morning to sign the paperwork."

Our lawyer told me to hang in there and promised he'd call just as soon as he heard anything. I thought to myself, 'Yeah, right. You've left us hanging these past 2 hours without a call!'

I hung up with our lawyer and relayed our conversation to Oronzo. He had a worried expression on his face, but he remained calm. Somehow he always remained the calm, strong one.

By 2 p.m. Oronzo forced me to get dressed and leave the house. We went over to a friend's house so that Oronzo could help him and his wife with a bit of remodeling. I understood that Oronzo needed an outlet and that working with his hands was what worked best for him, so I reluctantly went with him. I hoped that hanging out with our friends would cheer me up and I knew they'd be thrilled to have some one-on-one time with Snuggle Bug.

Okay, more will be revealed soon.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 8.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

The time has finally come for me to devote my energy to writing Part 6 of our adoption journey. I'm going out of town tonight, to CA to spend a long weekend with Oronzo's family for our niece's 1st birthday celebration (yes, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, having just spent the week with my family). I'm not sure if I'll be able to access my blog or not, so I thought I’d better get Part 6 out before I departed.

I left off in Part 5 with the Giselle calling to talk.

My heart pounded against my ribcage as I heard her voice. I remember we exchanged pleasantries and I asked her how she was feeling.

"I'm a bit sore, but doing better than I expected," Giselle told me. "I'm relieved that it was such an easy delivery for me. How's Snuggle Bug doing?"

I filled Giselle in on the status of Snuggle Bug and then there was an awkward pause before the real reason for the call was announced, "I'm not sure yet but I may want to come say 'Hi' to the baby. If I decide to come, what would be a good time tomorrow?" Giselle asked quietly.

I immediately focused in on the fact that she want to say, "Hi" to the baby, rather than "Goodbye." Is she changing her mind?, I wondered.

I explained to Giselle, "We should be released from the hospital tomorrow, but we won't know for sure until the doctors make their rounds. You could come around 8 o'clock or so, if that works for you. He's usually awake and alert at that time."

Earlier that morning, the hospital Social Worker had taken the release forms to Giselle to sign, giving us the right to take Snuggle Bug home with us and we were told that Giselle had signed them with no qualms. Giselle had checked out of the hospital shortly after that and returned to the apartment that she shared with her mother and younger sister.

"I'll call you tomorrow morning if I decide, I'm just not sure yet," she admitted to me.

"No problem," I assured her, swallowing past the lump of terror in my throat. "We'll be here."

I hung up the phone gently and relayed the conversation to Oronzo. He was much calmer about the whole situation than I.

"You know, it's probably better that she come to see him here, if that's what she decides to do," Oronzo said. "Then she'll know and we'll know once and for all. I'd rather it happen this way then getting a call from her later, asking us to bring Snuggle Bug to her apartment."

I knew he was right, it was best if she had a chance to see him, hold him, and make her decision again. In my heart I knew he was right, but I just couldn't get past my fear of loosing this child that I wasn't yet allowed to call my own.

I decided then and there to shower this babe with all the love I could offer, for as long as I was able. This situation was beyond my control and, now more than ever, I needed to accept that reality.

I wasn't able to eat much dinner that night and I didn't sleep well, in part due to Snuggle Bug's night feedings and in part due to my stress level.

We were up early the next morning, and I anxiously waited for the phone to ring. I just wanted to know what was going to happen, either way. The not knowing was killing me!

The phone rang at 8 o'clock. It was Clara, not Giselle.

"I woke Giselle up at 7:30 a.m. to see if she wanted to go to the hospital to see Snuggle Bug," Clara informed me. "She told me 'No' but she may change her mind."

I didn't know how to respond to that so I simply said, "Okay."

"I'm on my way in to work right now but if Giselle changes her mind, her grandmother can take her."

"I understand," I told Clara. "I'm still not sure how long we'll be here. We're waiting for the doctors to make their rounds."

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd call Giselle before you check out of the hospital to check again if she wants to stop by and see the baby."

My mind was screaming, Why is it up to me to try to pressure Giselle into seeing her baby? How can Clara ask this of me?!, but I calmly told her, "Okay." I felt powerless to refuse her. Too much was at stake.

Shortly before 10 o'clock a doctor came in and checked Snuggle Bug over. He was pleased with his progress with eating more and having wet diapers so the doctor agreed to release him to go home with us. As the nurse got the discharge papers together for us to sign, I picked up the phone to call Giselle.

Chloe answered the phone and I explained my purpose for calling, "Your mom asked me to call Giselle to let her know when we're leaving the hospital, in case she wants to stop by to see Snuggle Bug before we take off. We'll be leaving around 11 o'clock."

"Okay, I'll let her know," Chloe promised.

As I hung up the phone, I told Oronzo, "Okay, I made the call. The ball is now in Giselle's court."

We left the hospital around 11:30 a.m. Oronzo pulled the car around to the Southeast entrance and spent several minutes making sure Snuggle Bug's infant car seat was properly secured in the center of the back seat. It took forever to get home and I noticed a lot of cars passing us along the way. I looked over to see Oronzo driving 10 miles under the speed limit. He was being extra cautious with the baby in the car. It was so sweet!

We fed Snuggle Bug when we arrived home, then we put him in a sleeper gown, swaddled him in a blanket (we learned early on that he loved to be swaddled tight), and tucked him into his bassinet next to our bed so that he could nap. I stood and watched him sleep for quite a while before finally dragging myself away to return phone calls to family and friends, sort through the mail, and do laundry.

We never heard back from Giselle before leaving the hospital, and we realized that we were now in waiting mode. We left the hospital with Snuggle Bug on a Friday, Giselle was scheduled to go in to her lawyers office to sign the termination paperwork the following Monday morning, five days after his birth.

I knew that every time our phone would ring, I would be fearful that it was Giselle calling to tell us she wanted Snuggle Bug back. I knew that if she did call, there wasn't a damned thing we could do because we were only considered temporary guardians.

I remember our lawyer coaching us to think of ourselves as babysitters, until the day Giselle signed the termination paperwork. I know he was trying to help us guard our heart, but once Snuggle Bug was born and I held him in my arms, watched as he examined me carefully with intensity, and calmed to my touch, I realized that there was no possible way to guard my heart. Against my will, I was already feeling like his mommy, not his babysitter.

Okay, that's all for now.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 7.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 4 with us being escorted to a room on the maternity ward.

The room we were given was a private one. It had a single bed, it's own bathroom, a wooden rocking chair, and a big armchair. The view from the window wasn't very attractive, it overlooked a lower roof of the hospital, but we didn't care. We were going to be too busy looking at Snuggle Bug to bother with anything else.

After the nurse showed us where all of Snuggle Bug's baby supplies were stored, she left the room, closing the door behind her. This was our first true moment of privacy behind closed doors. The silence was wonderful! It had been so hectic and overwhelming up until now. I felt some of the stress melting away as we stood in the quiet room.

Oronozo and I walked softly over to the bassinet and peered down at Snuggle Bug. He was fast asleep, exhausted from his morning of being poked, prodded and tested after his arrival into the world. He looked so very tiny and sweet. Oronzo and I were exhausted too, so we decided to curl up on the one hospital bed and take a little nap ourselves. Our first family nap, it was heavenly!

The nap didn't last for long. All too soon we heard a knock on the door and a nurse arrived to prompt us to feed Snuggle Bug. I'd always heard that you weren't supposed to wake a sleeping baby, but we'd learned in our parenting class that with brand new babies you have to wake them for feedings every two or three hours.

I gingerly lifted Snuggle Bug out of his bassinet, unswaddled him to check his diaper, wrapped him back up and then sat down in the rocking chair with him. The nurse handed me a pre-made bottle of formula. I put the nipple to Snuggle Bugs lips and gently twirled it in until he had it firmly in his mouth. He immediately began to gag and I quickly pulled the nipple out. I gave him a few seconds and then tried again. He gagged again! His little face was screwed up in a grimace. The nurse and Oronzo were standing over me watching.

"Am I doing something wrong?" I asked the nurse anxiously.

"No, you're fine. Try again," she replied.

I tried again but got the same results. Snuggle Bug was gagging each time I tried to feed him. I got nervous and asked Oronzo if he wanted to try. He was glad to and he took Snuggle Bug as I got up from the rocking chair. He settled into it and cradled Snuggle Bug closely in the crook of his right arm. He slipped the bottle nipple into Snuggle Bug's mouth and gently wiggled it around inside. Snuggle Bug made no effort to suck or swallow any of the formula.

Oronzo tried for several minutes and finally the nurse told us not to worry and that we could try again in a bit. "It's not uncommon for newborns not to eat much during their first 24 hours. He'll get the hang of it," she assured us.

After the nurse left us alone again, I set Snuggle Bug on our bed and unwrapped him. I wanted the opportunity to examine him and learn more about him. He laid quietly on the bed and looked up at me with a serious expression as I slowly traced my fingers over his face, cheeks, nose, ears, tummy, arms, fingers, legs, and toes. I whispered to him, "You're so soft. We love you so much. We're so glad you're here." Oronzo sat down next to me and watched this exploration, occasionally talking to Snuggle Bug as well.

The phone rang and we were startled out of our reverie. Oronzo answered the phone and I could hear, "You're in room 800. Okay. Hang on, let me get a pen."

It was Giselle, letting us know what room she was in, as promised. Oronzo asked, "Can I get you anything? I can't imagine the food is any good there, can I order you something to be delivered? Okay, I'll call right now."

Oronzo got off the phone and let me know, "She's all settled in a room. She said she's doing pretty good. Quinn's with her, as well as her sister, Clara, and Ellen. I'm going to order them some pizza and bring it to her."

It took about 45 minutes for the pizza, breadsticks, and pop to arrive at the nurse's station. At that point, Snuggle Bug was fast asleep on my chest as we both lay in the hospital bed.

"You stay there, I'll go take everything to Giselle and see how she's doing," Oronzo suggested.

"Okay, that sounds good. Let her know that I'm thinking of her and that Snuggle Bug is doing just fine."

I'm not sure how long Oronzo was gone, because I dozed off to the sound of Snuggle Bug snoring lightly. His warm body was completely relaxed, his head rested against my heart. I've never experienced anything so calming and serene as falling asleep with a tiny babe resting so trustingly against me. So, this is what motherhood felt like. I loved it!

I awoke when I heard Oronzo entering the room. Snuggle Bug was still fast asleep. "How's she doing?" I asked.

"Good," Oronzo replied. "She's in a bit of pain but not as much as she expected. She and Quinn and the family definitely appreciated the pizza and the visit."

Oronozo approached the next topic with caution, "Her family asked if they could come over and see Snuggle Bug. I didn't feel like we had the right to deny them, so I told them it'd be okay. I asked them to call first because he might be sleeping."

My heart lurched and filled with dread. What did this mean? "Did it sound like Giselle or Quinn are having doubts?" I asked Oronzo with a feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach.

"I didn't get that impression, but I can't tell for sure," he explained. "I think more of Giselle's family want to meet him, maybe say their goodbyes."

It didn't take long for the phone to ring, while I was in the midst of changing Snuggle Bug's diaper.

"Hello. Yes. He's actually getting his diaper changed right now. Sure, come on over." Oronzo hung up the phone and turned to me. "Clara's coming over with Giselle's sister to see Snuggle Bug."

"Okay," was all I could say as I picked up Snuggle Bug and cuddled him close. Tears clouded my eyes as I worried.

Clara arrived with Giselle's younger sister (to be referred to as "Chloe"). We'd never met Chloe before but I'd heard a lot about her from Giselle. I wasn't prepared for how beautiful she was! She was tall and slender with glossy dark hair pulled carelessly back into a pony tail. Her facial features were delicate, with high cheekbones and arched eyebrows. She was young, still in high school. I searched her face, looking for similarities between her and Giselle and even between her and Snuggle Bug. They seemed to share the same cute button nose. She smiled tentatively at me, not speaking.

Clara approached me and I mustered up a smile and placed Snuggle Bug into her eager arms. After asking, "How's the new mommy doing?" she gave all her attention to her grandson. Having her call me a 'new mommy' set me at ease a bit and I encouraged her to sit in the rocking chair.

Clara held Snuggle Bug and cooed at him for a bit while Chloe looked on. Then she asked if Chloe would like to hold him. Chloe stepped closer and took him from Clara. I watched as she carefully held him in her arms, doing a great job of supporting his head. As she gazed down at him a bright smile spread across her face. "He's beautiful," she whispered, her blue eyes shining brightly with tenderness.

"Do you mind if I take some pictures of the two of you?" Oronzo asked. Clara and Chloe were delighted with that idea and Oronzo snapped several pictures. "I'll put these on a website for all of your family to view if you'd like. I'll email you the link."

"That would be great!" Clara told him with a grateful smile.

They didn't stay long and I was relieved at how kind they were to us. They were extremely respectful, taking care to refer to us more than once as Snuggle Bug's 'mommy' and 'daddy.'

Before leaving Clara asked, "My niece is here visiting Giselle. Would it be okay to bring her back later to see the baby?"

"Sure," I replied with strained cheerfulness. Although they were being kind and respectful, it was stressful for me to have them there. My mind told me that they deserved this chance to spend a little time with him, but my heart ached with a fear that the visits would be our undoing.

Clara came back with her niece and they spent time with Snuggle Bug. Later, Giselle's aunt came to meet him. And Clara came back one more time before visiting hours were over and brought a Polaroid camera with her. She took several pictures of Snuggle Bug. She explained, "I want Giselle to have a chance to see him, since she hasn't visited, although she may want to see him before she's discharged from the hospital the day after tomorrow."

I was gripped with terror! It seemed to me as though Clara was putting pressure on Giselle to see her baby and spend time with him. Giselle had told me before his birth that Clara was having a tough time with Giselle's decision to place Snuggle Bug for adoption.

I know, I know. Giselle had every right to see her baby and spend time with him. She even had every right to change her mind and there's nothing we could've done about that. I totally accepted that. But the thought of Giselle being pressured by her mother to change her mind made me feel sick to my stomach.

We didn't know how to respond to Clara. Oronzo simply stated, "If Giselle or Quinn decide they want to spend time with Snuggle Bug, have them call us so we can make sure to be here."

After she left, I began to cry. I couldn't keep the fear and anguish in any longer. Having Giselle's family in and out most of the day and not being able to get Snuggle Bug to drink much at all was just too overwhelming. I sat on the bed, holding Snuggle Bug close and cried. Thank goodness we'd stuck to our guns about insisting that none of our family be present during our time in the hospital. I don't think I could've handled that on top of everything else!

Oronzo comforted me the best that he could, assuring me that it would all be okay. Eventually I collected myself and calmed down. At least visiting hours were over and I didn't have to worry about any more phone calls for the night. Oronzo and I took turns holding Snuggle Bug and walking him back and forth in the small room. He was so calm and rarely fussed at all.

We slept fitfully that night, Oronzo in the armchair, me in the bed, and Snuggle Bug in his bassinet ( I wanted to have him sleeping on me again, but I was afraid of accidentally rolling over on him as we slept). Snuggle Bug woke up a few times and we tried to feed him, with no success. He was still gagging or spitting out the formula. I felt like such a failure! What a terrible mother I'm going to be if I can't even get my baby to drink a bottle.

Nurses came in and out a few times throughout the night and at one point one began to wheel his bassinet out of the room. I reached out and grabbed the bassinet, asking frantically, "Where are you taking him!"

"Sorry. I thought you were asleep. We're just taking him into the nursery to run some tests. He has to have his hearing checked. I'll bring him right back," the nurse assured me.

I laid back down and tossed and turned, while Oronzo snored loudly in the chair beside me. Eventually they brought Snuggle Bug back. The nurse told me that he'd passed the test in his right ear but not the left. The fear must've shown on my face because she told me, "It's not unusual for newborns to fail their hearing test the first time. We'll try again tomorrow and then he should be tested again in a month.

The next morning we were up early with Snuggle Bug, trying to get him to eat. It still wasn't working. I called a nurse in and expressed my concern, "He still not eating, what am I doing wrong? He's got to get something in him soon, doesn't he?"

It was then that the nurse informed us that they had put a temporary I.V. in Snuggle Bug, while he was in the nursery in the wee hours of the morning, because he was getting dehydrated and needed fluids. I felt horrible! Oronzo and I had been trying to do our best to get him to drink some of his bottle but it wasn't working. He hadn't had a wet diaper yet, only black tar filled ones.

It was decided that the one of the Lactation Specialists would be sent in to see what she could do to help. I was relieved to hear that something was being done. Obviously we didn't know what we were doing, I wanted a professional to help!

Daisy, the Lactation Specialist, arrived as we were picking at our own breakfast. She asked to watch us try to feed Snuggle Bug so Oronzo sat in the rocking chair and tried to feed him with no success.

"This little guy doesn't understand the whole sucking and swallowing thing yet," Daisy explained. She offered to show us some tricks and Oronzo willingly handed Snuggle Bug over to her. Here's what she taught us:

• Hold him more upright as we try to feed him, to prevent a lot of his gagging.
• Stroke his cheeks and under his chin while he's trying to eat because that stimulates the sucking reflex.
• Try to keep him awake during his feedings, even if that means rubbing his heals or undressing him.
• Burp him at least 1/2 way through each feeding.

We were ecstatic as we watched Daisy get Snuggle Bug to drink some formula. She got about an ounce in him, which was more than we had done! She encouraged us to try the techniques she had shown us and I actually managed to get him to drink a bit as well. I could've kissed Daisy! As we chatted with her, we learned that she's been a lactation specialist for 42 years, so she's helped feed a lot of babies. She was reassuring and encouraging with us and promised to come back to help again for his next feeding. Alleluia!

Snuggle Bug's second day of life was blissfully uneventful, for the most part. We spent all our time in the hospital room, bonding with him. He was only taken from us once that day, to have another hearing test done. He passed it this second time!

I'm forever grateful for the private time we had with him. Our love for Snuggle Bug blossomed and the love and tenderness that Oronzo and I felt for each other sharpened and seemed more intense. It was like our marriage was entering a new dimension, a higher level. It's hard to describe. I experienced such feelings of joy as I watched Oronzo gently holding this tiny mite, rocking him and whispering to him softly, raining kisses on his small head and face, changing his diaper with such confidence. I always knew Oronzo was going to be an excellent father but seeing him in action was utterly amazing!

I did my best to shove down my anxieties about Giselle's mother and was surprised when there were no visits from them throughout the day. Daisy came back to help us with his feedings and things were getting better in that area. Other than the struggles with the feeding, Snuggle Bug slept a lot and was content to gaze at us calmly as we interacted with him when he was awake. We expected him to cry more but unless he was hungry or wet, he really didn't fuss.

We were in our own private little world, a loving cocoon. Occasionally we were disrupted by a nurse checking in, but all was well, until the phone rang at about 5 p.m.

It was Giselle, wanting to talk.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'll continue on with Part 6 of our adoption journey soon.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 6.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 3 with awaiting the birth of Snuggle Bug.

Before continuing, I'd like to elaborate on something that I touched on in a previous entry. I mentioned that I was terrified that Giselle or Quinn would change their mind at some point before or right after the birth of their baby.

Logically we knew that, although they both seemed quite determined with the adoption plan for their baby, they would still have to re-make that decision again after he was born. Even though Quinn had terminated his parental rights before the baby was born (in this state the father can sign before, but not the mother), I knew that he still could change his mind after the baby was born and convince Giselle not to place.

Knowing all of this, we promised ourselves not to get crazy with buying stuff for the baby. It had nothing to do with spending money, it had everything to do with our feeble efforts not to become emotionally attached. There was one awkward conversation when Giselle asked us how we had decorated the nursery for Snuggle Bug and we admitted, "We thought it best not to do that until after his birth." We didn't want to offend her or seem unexcited about the baby, but we wanted to be honest in letting her know that we felt we didn't have the right to do this beforehand. My younger sister wanted to throw us a baby shower so that we'd be prepared before he was born. I asked her to wait and throw him a "Welcome" shower instead.

I explain all of this because I was reminded of it again, as the hour of Snuggle Bug's birth drew near. The time was upon us when Quinn and Giselle would have to re-make their decision about placing their baby for adoption.

Although Oronzo and I attempted to sleep around midnight, I wasn't very successful. I was too keyed up to sleep. While Oronzo was snoring away in a chair beside me, I was journaling to keep my sanity. I think I finally dozed off around 2:30 a.m. but woke up at 4:30 a.m. and began pacing the halls in the waiting room outside Giselle's room.

Shortly after 5:00 a.m., Giselle's mom (to be referred to as "Clara") came out to tell me that the nurse checked and Giselle was fully dilated to 10 cm and the baby was ready to come! They were frantically trying to get a doctor on the floor and two nurses began "suiting up" thinking they may have to deliver the baby. Luckily, the doctor arrived just in the nick of time!

Once I heard from Clara, I raced back to wake up Oronzo and he got his camera read. Quinn and Giselle's grandmother (to be referred to as "Ellen") were also waiting outside of Giselle's room. Quinn had passed on the opportunity to be Giselle's birthing coach during delivery, so her mom was in the room with her. Quinn and I anxiously paced the hall right outside Giselle's door.

At 6 a.m., we heard several tiny cries, as Snuggle Bug entered the world! Quinn and I looked at each other nervously. Suddenly, the door opened and a nurse placed a warm bundle into my arms and began ushering me quickly down the hall to the room they had set aside for us, explaining that we needed to hurry to keep the baby warm!

I walked quickly towards the room, as Oronzo frantically snapped pictures in front of me.

What were my first impressions? Shock! It all seemed to happen so quickly. 2 minutes after his birth, I was holding this tiny babe who was wrapped in a warm blanket. I looked down at this squirming package and all I could see was dark brown hair going every which way! I remember thinking, "He's so light!"

Ellen followed behind me and I vaguely remember seeing Quinn enter Giselle's room. These were quick impressions as I was being hustled along by the nurse and I was trying to concentrate on walking, fearing I would trip and drop the baby.

Once we got to our room, the nurse took Snuggle Bug from me and placed him in a clear bassinet, with a heat lamp hung above it to keep him warm. She un-wrapped him and began doing the APGAR (Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration) tests on him. We later learned he scored a nine, signifying perfectly healthy responses.

At that point, he began to really wail (his cries sounded like a cat having his tail stepped on, but they weren't really very loud), especially as the nurse suctioned mucus out of his mouth and nose.

I stood there and watched everything the nurse was doing, soaking in every detail of Snuggle Bug. I counted that he had 10 fingers and 10 toes. His fingers were quite long. He had wide full lips that were very red. His body had a healthy pink color (no jaundice apparent). He had the most adorable little button nose. He had a full head of thick dark hair that was wild and sticky with slime from his birth. His skull was handsomely shaped (no cone head or lumps) and his face had delicate features with no apparent bruising. His little penis looked fine. The umbilical cord had already been clamped. He was breathtakingly beautiful and so very tiny!

After my inventory of Snuggle Bug, I peeled my eyes away to do a quick search for Oronzo. He was standing on the other side of the bassinet rapidly snapping pictures. Ellen was standing right beside me devouring the sight of the baby.

Just then, my cell phone rang! It startled me and I answered it without thinking. It was my older sister, checking to see what was going on. Before I could respond, she heard Snuggle Bug cry. She asked if that was him and I said, "Yes, we're in the room with him now. He was just born a few minutes ago and he's absolutely beautiful!" She started crying and then I started crying and laughing at the same time. I told her I had to go and she said she'd let the rest of my family know.

I watched as the nurse finished her cleaning of Snuggle Bug and then she began inking his feet and his hands to make prints. I was amazed at how many sets of foot prints she made on small cards, stamping ink on his tiny feet over and over again. She ended up giving us several copies and Giselle several copies to keep as souvenirs.

Next Snuggle Bug was whisked up and placed on a scale that had been previously wheeled in. He weighed in at a whopping 6 pounds, 11 ounces. We learned later that he was 19" long. He had stopped crying by the time he was being weighed. Pour little mite was just too exhausted by it all.

We got to spend two hours in that room with Snuggle Bug. During those first two hours of his existence, we got to hold him and try to feed him from a tiny preemie bottle. His poor tummy couldn't handle it yet and he puked all over Oronzo's shirt. Oronzo just beamed with joy! I picked up the camera and managed to snap several decent shots of Snuggle Bug with Oronzo.

Ellen stayed in the room with us for quite a bit. She never asked to touch or hold Snuggle Bug, but she watched him closely. Quinn came in briefly and got a good look at him as well. I went back with him to check on Giselle.

When I entered Giselle's room, she was sitting up in her bed and looked pretty good. I walked over and hugged her and told her that Snuggle Bug was perfect! I asked her if she wanted to see or hold him and she said, "No, thank you." I started crying again as I hugged her once more and she returned my hug with a strong squeeze. I asked her if there was anything that she needed and she said, "No. I'm fine. Honestly, that delivery was a lot less painful than I expected!" I told her I was going to get back to Snuggle Bug and that I'd check on her again. She told me that she'd asked to be moved to a room in the GYN Unit and she'd have someone let us know what her room number was when she found out. I left the room, looking back to see Quinn standing beside her, holding her hand, and Clara close by.

Not long after I returned to our room, Clara arrived and asked to hold Snuggle Bug. We willingly handed him over and gave her the rocking chair. "Do you want us to leave you alone?" I asked.

"No, you're fine," she replied absently, as she gazed down at Snuggle Bug and stroked his soft cheek. Oronzo asked if he could take some pictures of her with the baby and she said that'd be fine. Later, when I looked back at those pictures, I saw a portrait of a woman who had had a tough life and had a haunted look upon her face. I know she appreciated having those pictures of herself with her first grandchild.

Eventually, the nurse returned and told us she had to take Snuggle Bug into the interim nursery for further testing. We were all reluctant to let him go, but the nurse reminded me that I had a wristband and could be in the nursery with him. I followed her in and watched them prick his heel to do some blood work and then give him a bath.

I remember being shocked at how vigorously the nurse scrubbed at Snuggle Bug's head with a small with brush! I was afraid she was going to hurt him, but he didn't seem to mind the water or the scrubbing.

The nurse put a preemie diaper on his bottom, leaving the clamped umbilical cord sticking out, and then a little pink and blue stripped stocking cap was placed on his head. A hospital bracelet was placed around his tiny right leg. The nurse laid him in another clear bassinet, with a heat lamp above to keep him warm and he dozed off to sleep for his very first nap! Oronzo got some fantastic pictures through the nursery window as I stood and watched him sleep. He was so very precious.

I noticed that his little identification card said, "Baby ****" using Giselle's last name. The nurse handed me a blank white index card and told me, "You can put his first name on it and decorate it with some holiday stickers, since Christmas is just around the corner."

As I finished taping the decorated card to Snuggle Bug's bassinet, Oronzo motioned for me to come out and I reluctantly stepped away to see what he wanted, then felt bad for excluding him by staying in the nursery for so long. Oronzo was hungry and wanted to grab a bite to eat in the cafeteria. I was at a loss as to how he could think of food, but I agreed to go. I told the nurse where we were going and she assured me they'd take good care of Snuggle Bug for us while we were gone.

Over breakfast, Oronzo and I talked in excited whispers about Snuggle Bug and how amazing he was. We were both head over heals in love with him! I let Oronzo know that I had seen Giselle briefly and he said he'd make a point to go see her as well. We talked about how grateful we were that the hospital staff was being kind to us and seemed to be treating Giselle and Quinn with respect.

I think I might have eaten some food, but I don't quite remember. I just remember being impatient to get back to Snuggle Bug. I hated missing even a minute of time with him.

When I arrived back at the nursery, I heard several babies crying. With utter amazement, I realized that I could tell which cry was coming from Snuggle Bug! I followed the sound to the opposite side of the nursery and discovered a nurse changing his diaper. He was not pleased! Without thinking, I leaned over this bassinet and, without touching him, said, "It's okay baby. Mama's here." I about fell on the floor in a puddle of gooey love when he instantly stopped crying and turned his head to look at me intently! He recognized my voice and was soothed by it! How could that be? Was it because of the time I'd spent with Giselle during her last few months of pregnancy (going to doctor's appointments with her, frequently having lunch with her and her family)? Or was it because of the CDs she'd asked for of our voices recorded reading children's stories that she played to her belly. I was flooded with overwhelming feelings of joy!

The instant the nurse was finished with him, I lifted him gently and cradled him close. I breathed deeply my fill of his sweet baby smell and softly ran my finger down his tiny nose and soft cheek. I touched his thick hair and found it to be as soft as a chick's down. I felt such a powerful connection to Snuggle Bug, one that I was helpless to fight. I prayed with every ounce of my being that we'd be allowed to raise this child and tears filled my eyes at the thought.

At some point, a nurse interrupted my bonding with Snuggle Bug to inform me that we had another room waiting for us on the maternity ward. She informed me that Snuggle Bug couldn't leave the interim nursery without being placed back in his bassinet so I reluctantly laid him back inside. I wheeled him out so that Oronzo and I could follow the nurse to our room.

Okay, that's all for now. Part 5 of our adoption journey will come soon.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 5.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I left off in Part 2 with meeting Quinn for the first time and mentioned that we wouldn't see him again until the day of Snuggle Bug's birth.

An odd thing happened, as we waited for Snuggle Bug to arrive. In September 2004, we received a phone call from Oronzo's mother (to be referred to as Aleiza), telling us of a friend of a friend's granddaughter who was due to have a baby in October (Snuggle Bug was due in December) and who chose to place the baby for adoption (so much for the myth of there being no newborns available to adopt). Aleiza said she'd already had contact with the expectant mother's grandmother and it was determined between them that they wanted Oronzo and I to adopt the baby girl!

Many conversations were had between us and Aleiza, with her urging us to consider accepting this match. We did consider it, in length. We imagined the various scenarios. One, that we pursue both babies (the little girl due in October and Snuggle Bug due in December) and have near-twins, assuming that both expectant mothers were okay with such a scenario. Two, that we pursue a match with the baby girl's expectant mother and turn down our match with Giselle if we were truly picked by this other expectant mother. Three, that we turn down the potential match for the baby girl and stick with the original match with Giselle and her baby boy.

After many conversations, Oronzo and I agreed that we didn't feel confident enough, as first time parents, to raise two babies so close together. And it didn't feel morally right to turn down our current match to pursue a baby that was due only two months earlier. In the end, we chose Snuggle Bug. Oronzo and I both realized that we were already quite attached to Giselle and her unborn child and, come what may, were going to see it through. We were determined not to consider anything that might jeopardize our current match.

Aleiza was quite disappointed when we told her of our decision. She tried to persuade us to change our minds and, when the healthy baby girl was born in October and was successfully placed with adoptive parents in New York, I prayed that we had made the right decision.

I must admit, although were matched easily with Giselle and things seemed to be going well (communication was open, she appeared determined to follow through with her adoption plan), I was a bundle of stressed nerves during the 5 month wait! I was nervous about the Home Study and the steps involved to become licensed to adopt (we had to jump through a lot of hoops, but it wasn't as painful as I had anticipated). I had never dealt with adoption lawyers before and I feared we'd be taken advantage of or misguided by either our lawyer or by Giselle's. I was anxious to learn everything I could about the legalities of adoption, fearful that we'd somehow accidentally break the rules along the way and be accused of coercion. I never, ever wanted that to happen!

I was nervous about the health of the baby, since we had absolutely no control as to how Giselle took care of herself during the pregnancy. It appeared that she was taking good care of herself but she admitted to being a smoker and I worried.

Most of all, I was afraid that, in the end, Giselle or Quinn would change their minds and decide to parent. My mind accepted that this was a reality and that they had every right to do so, but my heart ached at the thought of this happening. Despite our best efforts to not get attached, it was clear that remaining emotionally detached was impossible. I loved this child, before he was even born! If I could form such an attachment to an unborn child that I wasn't carrying inside my body, I couldn't even begin to imagine the internal struggle that Giselle was experiencing during her pregnancy.

And if the adoption did take place, I wondered how we all would survive afterwards. I felt such guilt with the knowledge that my happiness in becoming a mother would be at the expense of another mother's pain at loosing her child. I hadn't just become attached to Giselle's baby, but I had also become quite attached to Giselle! The more I learned about her, the more I respected and liked her. Considering that Oronzo and I originally didn't intend to have personal contact with a match, these feelings of attachment were unexpected and scary at times. Adoption is definitely not for the faint of heart!

Finally, the time we were all waiting for had come. The day before Snuggle Bug was to be born, we got a call from Giselle letting us know she was having mild contractions and would probably be going to the hospital. By then, we were in the same city, awaiting the arrival of her child, so we were able to drive to the hospital when her mother called back a couple of hours later and asked us to meet them there!

Oronzo and I sprang into action. We threw a few of our things in an overnight bag, just in case (we already had a little bag packed for the baby stored in the trunk), and drove quickly to the hospital. We were met at the information desk by Quinn. He appeared calm and managed to greet us with a smile. He escorted us back to Giselle in the birth center (which we had toured just a few days previous). We found her lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine that monitored the baby's heart beat. We got to hear his heart beat and, again, the sound brought tears to my eyes.

Giselle looked calm, but it became clear that the contractions were causing her discomfort. I went to her and held her hand for a bit as we chatted to her and her mother. Quinn was fairly quiet.

Eventually Giselle was put into a wheel chair and taken to a private room. We were invited to follow them. I remember feeling quite out of place, not sure where we should be and not wanting to make Giselle or Quinn feel uncomfortable. I was very grateful that we'd met with a hospital social worker previously and gotten a tour of the birthing rooms and a run-down on what to expect, which helped to alleviate some of the fear of the unknown. This hospital had done many adoptions in the past and the staff that we talked to came across as professional and compassionate, not just towards potential adoptive parents, but also towards potential birth parents.

After Giselle was settled in her room, the nurse asked all of us to leave so that she could talk with Giselle in private. We learned later that this was when Giselle gave the nurse a written list of her desires in regards to the birth and the pending adoption. For example, she made it clear that she wanted the baby to go directly to us and that she wanted her mother to have some time alone to say "goodbye" to the baby before they left. Giselle was still of the opinion that it would be best for her not to see the baby.

After talking to Giselle, the nurse came and talked to us. She shared with us the wishes that Giselle had expressed that pertained to us. We assured her that we'd do whatever was asked of us and that if Giselle changed her mind about wanting time with the baby, we fully supported that choice. The same went for Quinn and any other family member! Our family would not be present. Oronzo and I felt that it would be in poor taste to have our family there celebrating the baby's birth with us, while their family went through such an emotionally difficult time.

We learned that when the baby was born, we'd be given a private room a few doors down and the baby would be brought to us immediately and that he would be cleaned up and weighed in our room. I was told that I would be given a hospital bracelet that would allow me access to the nursery and that Giselle would be given one also.

Snuggle Bug was not in a hurry to arrive. Giselle's contractions slowed down and we alternated pacing the halls and sitting in her room along with her mother, grandmother, and Quinn as we all waited. As we waited, Oronzo and I went out and called some of our family members to let them know where we were and to promise to keep them updated. By about midnight, Oronzo and I finally gave in to exhaustion and got blankets and pillows from the nurses station so that we could doze in chairs outside Giselle's room while she, too, tried to sleep. Giselle's mother and Quinn assured us they'd wake us up if the contractions began to pick up again.

Okay, here's a good stopping point. I'll continue on with Part 4 of our adoption journey in the near future. Stay tuned!

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 4.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

Now that I have a chunk of un-interrupted time, the saga continues.

I left off in Part 1 with my first phone conversation with Giselle, the expectant mother that we'd been put in contact with through a friend. It was a somewhat painful, brief conversation, but it was a beginning.

I don't remember how long it was until the next conversation, but Giselle and I had three more over-the-phone conversations probably within a month's time. Each conversation got a little easier. We got more comfortable with each other and began opening up and sharing more. Each time more questions were asked, on both sides. I spent many hours pacing our backyard patio, usually barefoot, as Giselle and I talked. By the third conversation, she knew what city and state we lived in and so much more about us. She shared with me information about the baby's father (to be referred to as Quinn), and let me know that they were dating and that he supported her adoption plan. Things were looking hopeful.

At first, Oronozo and I were reluctant to share the details of this prospective match with many. I'd read enough on adoption forums to know that even if we were matched, there were no guarantees. The parents of this unborn child could, before or right after the birth, decide to parent, and rightfully so. Oronzo and I agreed that, if at any time before the termination paperwork was signed by both Giselle and Quinn, we would do nothing to challenge their parental rights, even if it meant that we had their baby in our home before those papers were signed and had to give the baby back. We felt strongly about this.

When Oronzo and I did start sharing news of this potential match with close family and friends, we kept prefacing our comments with, "If things work out..." I have to admit, I was amazed at how much negativity we received from certain family members and close friends, both before we were put in contact with Giselle and afterwards! Not because we were building our family through adoption, everyone was very supportive of that, but because of the misconceptions people had about the process of adoption and of birth parents in general. It was alarming, to say the least!

In the beginning, I was continually told that finding a newborn (especially a healthy one) was impossible. Even after we'd been connected with Giselle, certain friends cautioned us that she probably wouldn't match with us unless we were able to offer her a lot of money along the way, which we would never want to do for fear of coercion. It was quite discouraging to hear these things and I defended Giselle by telling these friends that I could tell that she wasn't in it for money, she was considering an adoption plan because she loved her child and wanted what she felt was best for him. Despite the negativity, we pressed on, determined to see how it played out.
Towards the end of our third phone call, Giselle requested that we meet with her. She said that she needed to see us in-person before she could attempt to make a decision about placing her child with us. By this time, I suspected that this request was coming, and I had already discussed the possibility with Oronozo. Surprisingly, we both felt comfortable with an in-person meeting, something we would've never even considered just a month ago, and we found ourselves wanting to meet her too. So, when she asked, I told her, "We'd love to!"

We drove seven hours to the city where Giselle lived for this face-to-face meeting. Giselle, Oronzo, and I scheduled to meet in a restaurant. We arrived first and I was a bundle of nerves. I chose a table and a chair that allowed me a clear view of the entrance door.

When Giselle arrived, I knew instantly who she was, mainly because of her pregnant belly, but also because of her searching gaze that swept across the restaurant and the air of vulnerability that she exuded. I stood up and walked towards her, thinking two immediate thoughts, 'Wow, she's beautiful, and so tall!' She was about 5'10", medium build, with long blond hair and bright blue/green eyes. She smiled a sweet smile as she realized who we were and walked the few steps to our table. Oronzo stood up as well, greeted her, and offered her a chair. It was clear to me that she was as nervous as I was, but she remained calm and composed.

For two hours we talked, mainly asking and answering questions back and forth. It quickly became clear that Giselle was putting a lot of thought into her screening of prospective adoptive parents. She came armed with a list of about 40 questions, many of them quite personal. We, too, had well thought out questions to ask her.

During this first meeting, we all seemed to "click." I was still so nervous though that I didn't eat a single bit of the lunch that I had ordered! Oronzo and Giselle didn't have that problem, they finished every bite on their plates. I remember Giselle ordered a tall glass of milk with her lunch. She noticed me glancing at it and smiling she said, "I'm trying to drink more milk with this pregnancy."

During our talks, Giselle asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby or not, and we told her we wouldn't mind knowing. We also told her that the sex of the baby wasn't important to us, we'd love a boy or a girl. She told us she was carrying a boy and showed us an ultrasound picture of him. After we both looked at it closely, I handed it back to her and she carefully tucked it back in her wallet.

As our meeting was nearing the end, I presented her a simple gift. It was a photo scrap book that I had created (there was no way I was going to ever give her a "Dear Birthmother" letter). Inside, the album had 20 pictures of Oronzo and I and our extended families. Each page had a single picture and a handwritten paragraph describing what was going on in our lives at the time. Before handing it to Giselle I said, "If you're anything like me, I'm sure you're not making this decision alone so I put together a photo album for you to take back and share with the baby's father and your families. I want them to have a chance to get to know us a little better as well." Giselle seemed very appreciative of my efforts. Before parting, we exchanged more personal information (phone numbers and email addresses).

As we said our goodbyes with hugs and promises to be in touch soon, Oronzo and I felt that the meeting had gone well. Giselle had told us upfront that she intended to interview several couples before making her decision and that she would get back to us with her decision in the near future.

By the time Oronzo and I drove the seven hours back to the city that we lived in, we were quite surprised to find an email waiting for us from Giselle! In the email she explained that she had taken our photo album back and showed her family and her boyfriend and that she had shared our answers to her questions, as well as her impressions of us. Then she wrote that she had decided not to interview other couples, that she wanted us to be the adoptive parents of her unborn son! Oronzo and I were floored! We never expected her decision to come so quickly! We felt overwhelmed, panicked, and excited, all at once. She picked us!! We were amazed that she'd picked us after just one in-person visit! Now that I think about it, I know matches happen with much less contact, but it seemed surreal to us at the time. We called family members to share the news!

Over the next few months we scrambled to hire an agency to do a Home Study and get us licensed, we hired adoption attorneys for us and for Giselle, and we hired a counselor (of her choice) for Giselle so that she would have professional support before, during, and after the adoption. She initially didn't feel the need to seek counseling, but we encouraged her to go and so did her lawyer, and so she did. In fact, not only did she go, but so did her mother. I know Giselle met with the counselor not only before the adoption, but also after.

Once Giselle chose us, she made a point to keep in touch frequently. She called or emailed us after every doctor's appointment, she continued to ask questions even after she picked us, and she invited me to attend some of her doctor's appointments with her. I got to hear Snuggle Bug's heart beat at one appointment and the sound brought tears to my eyes. Giselle once placed my hand on her stomach and I got to feel him kick inside of her belly. He was quite strong!

Over the course of the remaining five months of her pregnancy, Giselle invited us to meet some of her family and eventually she arranged for us to meet Quinn.

We only met Quinn once before Snuggle Bug was born. It was in a restaurant and it was just the four of us. We talked more about their reasons for wanting to place him for adoption (I don't feel comfortable sharing those reasons, it seems like an invasion of Giselle & Quinn's privacy, even if I am using fictitious names). We talked about our collective hopes and desires for Snuggle Bug. Quinn got to ask us questions and we got to learn more about him. He came across as an intelligent, soft spoken man. He was tall, nearly 6', and was slender with brown curly hair and a great smile. Giselle had warned us, in advance, that Quinn was taking a back seat in the preparations for their baby's adoption. He was supportive, but left the planning to Giselle.

I remember a point that Quinn made during that dinner conversation. In part jest, I made a comment that Snuggle Bug would probably rebel as a teenager and yell at us, "You're not my REAL parents!" Quinn got very serious and responded, "You will be his REAL parents! Don't ever forget that." I was surprised at the firmness in his statement, and I assured him we wouldn't forget.

We wouldn't see Quinn again until the birth of Snuggle Bug.

Okay, here's a good stopping point. I'll continue on with Part 3 of our adoption journey soon.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 3.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug

I've never been one of those women who had a timeline in mind...you know, get married by 23, have 2.5 children by 25. I've always known that I wanted to be a mother, but I always prefaced that with "Some day."

When I was 19, I had to have a partial hysterectomy, due to severe endometriosis. I'm 37 now and, back in those days, they didn't think twice about doing a partial hysterectomy given such circumstances. Maybe there are better alternatives today. I remember my doctor (the one I'd had since I was born) explaining to me that a partial hysterectomy would mean that I could not get pregnant and carry a child. Wow, really?? ((enter sarcasm here)) Since I wasn't given any choices, there wasn't much I could do about that. At least with a partial hysterectomy I was left with one estrogen producing ovary, for which I'm thankful.

I went through a grieving process for the loss of being able to get pregnant and carry a child, but it was short lived. I was young and I just told myself, "Not a problem, I'll adopt," not really understanding anything about the process of adopting and not bothering to do any research because it was that "some day" situation. I have to be honest, now that I understand the heartache that couples go through as they struggle with infertility, I'm almost thankful that I had to have a partial hysterectomy so long ago, because it meant I always knew what my outcome would be. I had 2 close girl friends that struggled through 8 years of infertility treatments and I watched and learned the agony they went through each time they didn't get pregnant. I saw what a strain it was on their marriages. Both have since adopted, they did newborn domestic adoptions and inspired me to try that route as well. One of those 2 girlfriends was even one of those myths that you hear about...after adopting her daughter, she got pregnant with twin boys 6 months later. She loves all 3 of her children to pieces.

Dating was somewhat difficult, because the few times that I allowed things to get serious, I had to explain to my boyfriend that I would never be able to give him biological children. I had that conversation with 3 men. All three took it well. The last man I had that conversation with ended up becoming my beloved husband, Oronzo.

I remember the day I had the conversation with him. We'd been dating for about a year. Things were looking serious, as in I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this man, so I decided it was safe to have "the talk." I sat on his ratty old couch left over from his college days, the one that the cats had scratched to pieces and the dog had gnawed on, and I told him I had something to tell him. Oronzo sat down, noticed my serious expression, and listened intently. I explained what I had had to go through at 19, my eyes instantly filling with tears, and let him know that I couldn't bear his children. Before I'd even had the opportunity to suggest an alternate means of becoming parents, he said gently, "So we adopt. I don't care how we become parents. A kid is a kid. Besides, my mom is adopted." Just like that, the conversation was over. Of course, my tears weren't. I again grieved for the loss of a chance to be pregnant, but I also cried tears of joy that I'd found a man that was so fantastic. As he pulled me into a hug and patted my back while the tears streamed down my face, I knew he'd be a spectacular father!

It would take us 5 years of dating before we married (more about that wonderful experience later). Less than a year after marrying, I was ready to explore our adoption options. So, the research began. There was so much information out there that I was quite Overwhelmed! Thus the reason for my original username of Overwhelmed (feel free to call me OW for short). I had no idea how to begin! I looked in the phone book and saw many pages of adoption agencies, so I started calling them and asking them to send me packets of information. The packets began pouring in. I also scoured the Internet for other information.

Oronzo and I read through the packets...okay, I read through the packets, he just skimmed. I was definitely the one who did the most research. For a while, it was like he was just along for the ride. I was kind of turned off by the approach most of the agencies took. It all seemed so slick, too commercialized. I hated the "Dear Birthmother" letter concept (little did I know at that time that it was insulting to even be addressing those letters in that way, these women weren't birthmothers, they were expecting mothers and deserved more respect).

The packets from the agencies discouraged me and I set the stuff aside for a while. Besides, many of them required that you be married at least 3 years before they'd work with you. I called and checked with one to see if the fact that Oronzo and I had been together for 5 years before marrying counted. It didn't. I was heartbroken at the thought of having to wait 2 1/2 years to adopt. I was 34 and ready to be a mom. "Some day" had arrived!

If it wasn't for my 2 girlfriends, mentioned earlier, I wouldn't have even known enough to think of the private adoption route. But they had both been matched through family and friends by spreading the word on their own. I figured, well, if it worked for them, it could work for us, right?

So, in 2003, we put a paragraph in our Christmas newsletter, letting everyone know that we were looking to adopt a newborn and asking people to let us know if they hear of any adoption situations. 7 months letter, a friend put us in touch with a young woman that was pregnant and had made the difficult decision to place her unborn child for adoption. Our friend gave us this expectant mother's (to be referred to as Giselle) phone number, with her permission of course.

You have to understand how terrified we were. Oronzo and I had in our heads that we wanted a closed adoption. We didn't know what the hell we were doing, so that idea was very fear based. Suddenly, we had the phone number of an expectant mother that was willing to talk to us. It dawned on me then why some people were willing to pay large sums of money to an agency to act as an intermediary. If we called her, she'd have our phone number. We weren't sure how comfortable we were with that. I know this is quite idiotic thinking, but I'm being honest about how we felt at the time. Fear not dear readers, we pulled our heads out of our asses over time.

We took the plunge and I made the phone call on my cell phone. I was so nervous when Giselle came on the phone. I explained who I was and how I'd gotten her number and asked if it'd be okay to ask her a few questions. She told me that'd be fine, so I began. Sadly enough, these were canned questions that I'd found during my research on the Internet. Questions like:

"How far along are you?"
"How are you feeling so far in your pregnancy?"
"What made you decide to place your child for adoption?"
"Does the baby's father know of your decision and does he support you in this decision?"
"Does your family support your decision?"

I know there were many others that I'm forgetting and I didn't ask them all in that first phone conversation. I'm sure I sounded very stiff and uncertain and I finally admitted to Giselle that I was nervous. She laughed a bit and admitted she was nervous too. I also admitted that I really didn't know how this was all supposed to work. She said she felt the same way. She said the one thing she did know is that she didn't want to go through an agency to place her child. I told her we didn't want to go the agency route either.

Our first conversation was brief, but I asked if we could talk again at another point and she agreed.

Okay, that's enough for now. I'll continue on with my story in another post.

To continue reading about our first adoption journey, see Part 2.

Labels: adoption, adoption #1, Snuggle Bug