Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The time is drawing near to let go of Baby Bug.

The clock is ticking and our time with Baby Bug is running out. As a result, simply put, I'm struggling.

Another milestone has been reached in her case. Beginning this week, her parents now have visitation with her Monday-Friday, 9 AM-4:30 PM. It's almost to the point where they have more time with her than we do. I know this is as it's meant to be.

By the end of this month, we will have had Baby Bug living with us for 6 months. The past 6 months with this precious child have been hectic, chaotic at times, and somewhat muddled (lack of sleep and all) but it's also been joyful, rewarding, gratifying, and a blessing.

At 6 months old Baby Bug has more hair (I put it up in a little pony tail at the top of her head this morning for the first time). She's more vocal, wants more interaction, is getting 2 teeth, is trying to sit up on her own, is rolling over a lot, and is quite engaging. She's back to sleeping through the nights, although she likes to wake up at 5:30 AM still to play and then go back to bed around 7 AM. She is a beautiful child who is good natured and quick to smile. She charms everyone she meets. She has melted my heart.

Last night after tucking her (and the other two kids) into bed, I had a bit of a pity party. I laid in bed with Oronzo and cried at the thought of her leaving for good. I explained to him that, although he seems to have come to terms with this inevitable conclusion and has found peace with it, I am still struggling.

I truly admire Baby Bug's parents and I'm proud of the painstaking progress they've made with their case plans. They're still both 100% compliant and anxious to have their daughter back home. Intellectually, I support this and I know it's right for her to be reunited with her parents but my heart still aches at the gradual letting go.

I told Oronzo last night that I'll need his support now more than ever (as the visits increase) and when she is reunited with her parents for good. I need him to allow me to grieve, without reminding me, "We knew this was the way it was going to be early on."

I told him that I need to be the one that packs up her things and carefully places them in her bags to go home. I need to have quiet time alone with her to hold her, say my goodbyes, and pray for her.

I need to see Snuggle Bug holding her one last time and I want to take their picture together. Based on how attached he's gotten to her, I know he'll miss her too. After Baby Bug is gone, I'll probably want to pull Snuggle Bug into my lap and rock him as I used to when he was a baby, just to remind myself that I have a child that is most certainly staying.

I warned Oronzo that I'm going to be emotional for quite a while after she's gone and that I'll want a bit of time before we're put back on the open call list for another placement. We'll still have Boo (I assume) and I'll be content with just her and Snuggle Bug for a while as I grieve for Baby Bug.

I also told Oronzo that I want to approach Baby Bug's parents and ask if they'd allow us to be a small part of their lives, even after Baby Bug returns home. We've had a good relationship with them from day one, so I hope they won't feel threatened by this request. They don't have much family or a lot of friends here in this city and I'm hoping they'd be interested in counting on us for friendship and support even after they're totally finished with CPS and the system. I'd love to be able to visit occasionally and see Baby Bug grow and develop, maybe attend her first birthday party or take her to play in the park with us.

Of course, I understand that this could all just be my little fantasy. Her parents may say, "We'd rather not, we just want to put this all behind us." Or maybe they'll tell us "Yes, that'd be fine," but then never return our calls. I have to accept that once Baby Bug returns home to her parents for good, I may never see her again. I pray that this is not the case because she'll be taking a piece of my heart with her and I want to know that she's happy and safe.

Please pray for me as I accept that it's time to truly begin to let go, that my role in Baby Bug's life as her advocate and protector is nearing it's completion.

Labels: , , , ,

11:36 AM

At 1:16 PM, Blogger Jackie Parkes MJ said...

I will certainly pray for you..please update to my new blog...

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

At 1:55 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

I know this is hard for you, but I can also tell from your words that you know this is (hopefully) the best thing for her....to live each day with her parents as it was intended. I pray SO MUCH that they allow to you still be in her life as you were there for her (and them) when you were needed most. What you have done for that family is amazing, and I think you'll agree that what Baby Bug has done for you is amazing too. I'll be praying for you.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Crissybug said...

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have always thought it would be great to become a foster parent, but this is an example of why I don't think I would be cut out for it. I would have such a hard time letting go of such a precious little soul that has mainly been in my sole care for so long. You are a wonderful person, and doing a great service for Baby Bug's parents. I will be thinking & praying for you and your family.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Jacquie said...


What a difficult situation. I hope Baby Bug's parents will allow you to be in her life somewhat, she will always be a lucky girl to have had the experience of love in your household.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger Kelli said...

I cannot even imagine. But, I know God has put you there for a reason, and that child will be changed becasue of it. Grieve, as you need to- and celebrate when you're ready :) You've been ab lessing to that entire family.

We're here. Know that.

At 5:47 PM, Blogger Kathy's Korner said...


Your post had me in tears for sure. I too hope that they will continue to let you have some part in Bug's life. The love you have given her can not be measured and for that I'm sure they are greatful. I hope that they can get past the not so good parts of this at the beginning...understanding its just a lot.

its all just a lot.

I admire your ability to be honest with your feelings and what you will need to get through all of this.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Tricia said...

I am praying for you. This is understandably going to be a very tough time.

At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been reading your journey through fostering children and my heart goes out to you. You have given Baby Bug a wonderful, happy, secure beginning. What a blessing that is. My heart would be heavy and that is what has kept me from braving the world of foster care. Thank you for being brave and showing me how to handle it with grace.

I'm praying for you.

At 11:18 PM, Blogger Chelley said...

will certainly pray

pease for your heart and prayers that babybug will be watched over!!!

At 5:34 AM, Blogger a/k/a Nadine said...

I have so much respect and admiration for you.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger threesidesofcrazy said...

You have such a refreshing attitude and truly understand the nature of your role as a foster parent. for that I truly admire you. That said I also know that by nature of your being, your heartstrings are all knotted up and pulling tight. Just remember the quote, "One hundred years from now...because I was important in the life of a CHILD". I try to base my life on.

At 6:53 AM, Blogger Tamara said...

It is such a bitter-sweet story you have with Baby Bug. We feel your pain - we've been there too. Please know we're praying for you as you do the work of the Lord. The bond you have formed with her will be a part of every healthy and secure relationship she forms for the rest of her life. Even if she doesn't "remember" you, her heart and soul have been molded by you, so you'll be a part of her forever. It really is a beautiful love story.

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a struggle this must be! I know you can rationally say that she belongs with her parents, but I know it must break your heart to see her go. I do hope you will be able to see her in the future!

At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post touched my heart. You have opened your home and hearts to this child. Letting her go is going to be sad even if it is the best thing for her. Hopefully the family will let you continue to be in her life, even if in only a small way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger heidi @ ggip said...

What a sweet little girl. I know you'll miss her a lot! I'm sure that grieving is completely normal. I applaud you for doing so much for her!

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Maxime said...

Awwh she's so precious! I'll be praying for you, that must be SO hard.

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Milk Mama said...

Oh that would be so heartbreaking! I can only say... I can only offer you a big *HUG* I pray that acceptance and joy comes soon. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I can only imagine how much it must hurt.

At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have lifted you guys up from day one and we will continue to lift you all up. I thoughtfully understand where you are coming from and what you need, as one day we will endure this as well, thank you for being so honest about this process with us.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Julie said...

I will be praying. I think you are very brave.


At 8:46 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Your post just broke my heart! I know I would be feeling the same way. Even if I KNEW that she wouldn't be staying w/me long-term and I KNEW she would be going back to her parents, I still wouldn't be able to turn my emotions off. How can you NOT become attached to a little baby who has been in your care for 6 months - someone who is completely dependent on you. You wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling the emotions you are now.

Praying that her parents will find it in them to consider your request for updates of baby bug; that they'll realize how much you've come to care for their daughter, and how well you've taken care of her during this time. Praying that they'll keep you in their lives in some small way.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Ms. Kathleen said...

I am just sitting her weeping with you. You are so much in my prayers and what a blessing you have in Oronzo. I pray God gives you that peace that surpasses all understand. I know Baby Bug has been mightily blessed to have you in her life.
Many hugs ~

At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww my heart breaks with yours. No matter how much you may have been prepared to let go, she has been with you guys for so long. Many hugs.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

Yes. I will indeed pray for you.


At 8:08 PM, Blogger My Life My Family My Love said...

I am new to blogging and foster parenting. Well we have two(siblings) One is 22 months(We have had her a year) and will be with us for a while if not forever the other will be leaving soon she is 7 months IWe have had her 7 Months) and I loved your blog because it makes me understand I am not alone in how I feel. I will say a prayer for you I hope all is going well.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Name: Overwhelmed

My complete profile

It wasn't supposed to work this way...Parts 1 through 10

(the story of the private, domestic adoption of our son)

(Part 1)
(Part 2)
(Part 3)
(Part 4)
(Part 5)
(Part 6)
(Part 7)
(Part 8)
(Part 9)
(Part 10- Adoption Finalization)

Fostering isn't for the faint of heart!

(our journey to adopt again through foster-to-adopt, the good, the bad, & everything in between)

Adoption #2- considering the State
More Adoption #2 thoughts
Adoption #2- Back to considering the State
Adoption #2- The Paperwork (Round 1)
Adoption #2- The Paperwork (Round 2)
Family Foster Home Licensing Prep Checklist
Adoption #2- Long overdue update
PS-MAPP class homework assignment
Our preliminary home inspection went well!
Adoption #2: Licensing update
Adoption #2- Foster Facts
Adoption #2: I love it when things go my way!
Adoption #2- The home inspection
Adoption #2- We failed our home inspection!
Adoption #2- We passed the follow-up home inspection!
Adoption #2- Still waiting
Adoption #2- We're getting closer
Adoption #2- An update & a lead
Adoption #2- The lead that didn't pan out.
Adoption #2- We're licensed!
Adoption #2- We have a tiny baby here!
Adoption #2- Update on this precious little girl.
Adoption #2- Quick update on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- Baby Bug is staying longer!
Adoption #2- Baby Bug is growing!
Adoption #2- Overdue update on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- The latest on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- Shopping spree for Baby Bug
Being a Foster Parent Does Not Make Me A Saint
Adoption #2- Another Placement Call!
Adoption #2- Placement Meeting- UPDATED!
Adoption #2- We have Boo at our home!
Adoption #2- Meeting Boo
Adoption #2- I'm angry on Boo's behalf!
Adoption #2- A Birthday Party for Boo
Adjusting to three 3 and under!
Stressful moments in fostering.
Adoption #2- Update on our foster daughters
CPS Workers Jerking Our Chain!
It's getting much worse!
Fostering: Update on Baby Bug
Fostering: Update on Boo
The effects of fostering on Snuggle Bug
The time is drawing near to let go of Baby Bug.
Good conversation with Baby Bug's dad.
Boo has a Permanency hearing coming soon!
My heart is breaking!
Bittersweet news about Baby Bug.
Next Friday is going to be tough.
Packing up Baby Bug's belongings
It's done- Baby Bug is gone.
Working on finding peace, one day at a time.
Referral to the Early Intervention Program
Baby Bug update
Home Inspection for re-licensing
Parole granted for Boo's bio mom
Baby Bug is turning 1 year old soon.
Day 2 of Boo's permanency hearing
A prayer answered today!
Attending Baby Bug's 1st birthday party
Foster news
Good news for Boo's case
Boo's bio family visits
Termination Trial date set!
A new caseworker for Boo
I've been asked to testify in court.
Court hearing for "John Doe"
Contested termination trial begins tomorrow afternoon
Boo's adoption has been finalized!

Pay It Forward guidelines revisited
We were robbed while on vacation!
Favorite Ingredients Friday (WeightWatchers Edition)
FIF WeightWatchers Edition tomorrow!
WFMW: It's 5 o'clock somewhere
Favorite Ingredients Friday (Apple Fritter)
Doesn't Work For Me
Launching my new home-based business.
Blogger now schedules future-dated posts
Favorite Ingredients Friday (Greatest Hits Edition)

Add to Technorati Favorites Blog Flux Directory Google PageRank 
Checker Tool

Parenting Blogs - Blog Top Sites

Top Parents blogs

Subscribe to Overwhelmed With Joy!

Add to My AOL

Add to netvibes

Powered by FeedBurner

Subscribe with Bloglines Add to Google

Powered By: