Monday, August 18, 2008
Working on finding peace, one day at a time.
I'm working on finding peace after the shock of returning Baby Bug to her parents last Friday and learning that they do NOT want contact with us going forward as they lead us to believe.  

I've cried a lot this past weekend, at the drop of a hat really.  I've talked to all of my siblings and many of my close friends and just having them available to listen to me work through my pain has helped.  Oronzo has been fantastic.  He comforts me when I need to cry and tells me I have every right to feel the feelings I'm feeling (these feelings have ranged from pain, sadness, and even anger...anger at Baby Bug's parents for misleading us and anger at myself for believing what they told me).  His support is helping me get through this.  Reading your comforting comments and knowing that so many prayers are being offered up on our behalf (and on Baby Bug's behalf) has helped too.  Thank you so much!

I've packed away the 3-6 month and 6-9 month clothes of ours that we were using for Baby Bug.  That was hard but I'm glad I did it.  I also put away all baby stuff, items that Boo is too old to play with and use.   I figure it'll be better not to have to look at them.  I can always take them back out when we're ready to get put back on the open list and get another infant placement.

I find myself looking through the many pictures I'd taken of Baby Bug during her 8 1/2 months with us and watching the videos I recorded of her antics.  Oronzo worried that this would be too painful for me, but I find it helpful.  It helps me feel like I haven't totally lost her.  I have plenty to remember her by. 

Oronzo and I took the kids on a day trip Saturday and that helped get my mind off of my sadness.  I've been trying to keep busy playing with Snuggle Bug and Boo.

I miss her.  I miss Baby Bug and my heart aches for her.  I wish I could hold her or even see her and her brilliant smile one more time.  I think about her all the time, even when I'm trying to keep busy.  I wonder how she's doing.  I wonder if she's figured out yet that she's not coming back to us.  I know she'll be fine.  I know this is far more painful for me than it is for her.  I'm glad that's the case.  I'm glad little ones are resilient.  I can't help but worry about her and wonder if her parents will continue to do well or if they will stumble and fall after the birth of their second child who is due in October.  I had hoped we'd be there to help them with the adjustment of their new addition (Baby Bug will be 11 months old when the new baby comes and having two that close in age will be tough) but I now know that they do not want our help.

I'm still beating myself up for falling for Baby Bug's parent's talk of them wanting us in their lives after Baby Bug was returned to them (they led me to believe this right up until the day we brought her back to them).  How could I have been so naive?  Really, if I were in their shoes, would I want to continue contact and have the constant reminder of such a painful period in my life?  I'm not sure I would.  

Unfortunately, this experience has taught me that I need to be more guarded and not so willing to put myself out there to the extent that I did with Baby Bug's parents.  I will absolutely give 100% of myself in the caring of the children that I have in my home because they deserve that, but I will be more cautious with the parents that we deal with in the future.  And I will just assume that if/when a child is reunited with their family that the last day that we have the child will truly be our last.  I will not get my hopes up that I will have the opportunity to see the child in the future.  It sucks that it has to be this way but I don't want to be blindsided again like I was with this first placement.  This has been a painful lesson indeed.  I'm not very good at guarding my heart but I need to get better if I'm going to continue fostering.

I'll get through this and be stronger because of it.  I know that.  And one day our keeper child will find her way to us.  Unfortunately I'm not convinced that I'll be allowed to keep and adopt Boo either but I'll love her while I have her.

I'm just taking all of this one day at a time and praying that God grants me peace and strength to continue on with fostering.

I am absolutely sure about one thing.  I am glad that we loved Baby Bug to the fullest during the time that she was with us.  It hurts to have her gone but I'm so thankful for the joyful memories we have of our time with her.  It was such a gift to see her grow and flourish in our care.  We made a difference in a child's life, in Baby Bug's life, and I couldn't be happier about that.   

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5:00 AM

At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HUGS!! I've been thinking and praying for you through this pard time!

At 6:20 AM, Blogger Carey said...

Praying for you and your family!

At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. What a tough situation! I pray that time will ease this painful hurt you are feeling right now.

Take Care,


At 8:51 AM, Blogger Jen said...

It is better to have loved and lost that to have never loved...that baby got more love from you in 8 months than she will ever get....she will hold onto that....remember this.
God is holding onto you for you are his child and he knows how you helped her so he will be holding you while you go through this...keep your faith....I'm praying for you.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

My heart aches for you! I'm sorry they decided to have no contact for the next 2.5 months...what a shock that must have been, I can't even imagine. Especially since the father initially approached YOU and asked if you would still be in their lives etc. On the one hand I can understand their point of view - as you said - it must be a difficult reminder of what they've gone through, so they might want to limit contact because of that. But I can certainly see your side to it as well - having her in your home for 8.5 months how could you NOT fall in love with that little baby you nurtured all that time, how could anyone blame you for wantting to stay in touch and follow up with how she is doing from time-to-time. And this being your first experience fostering a child too - I'm sure it was new all around. I can only hope and pray that they will keep their promise to invite you to her first birthday party and allow you to be a part of that celebration. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for peace and comfort.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger StarfishMom said...

I'm SO sorry for your loss. I have had to say goodbye to 2 of our little ones and it is one of the hardest things I've EVER had to do. It takes EVERYTHING in me to place my trust in the ONE who brought them here for the short time in their precious lives. I am also trusting that one day HE'LL bring our baby boy to us...the one that will be here forever. Right now we are loving on sweet baby Daisy...I may not know what her future holds but I know WHO holds her future. Through this loss...God is still good...I pray that HE reveals HIS plan to you so that you will be at peace knowing Baby Bug is in HIS hands. God Bless you!

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Kathy's Korner said...

oh my!!!

I have rolled around what you said and can see where it would just depend on the person as to be able to have contact or not. But no matter what it sure doesnt make it any easier on you!!!

Like O said, you did what you were to do in stellar fashion to be sure.

Now your heart needs time to heal and learn to love bug in a different way. You can do it!


At 9:46 AM, Blogger Ms. Kathleen said...

God Loves You for your precious, giving, loving heart... You really need to put this into diary form - a book - for other foster parents to learn from. You have so much to offer.

Hugs ♥

At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that things with Boo aren't working out as you had hoped. As you say, I do understand why her parents want to have their family bonding experience -- but I also understand your perspective, and how hard this must be on you. You have some amazing strength in being able to be a foster parent and contribute to strengthening and repairing other families, as well as your own -- and you need to take some time right now to recharge yourself.

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

I can only imagine how tough this is, the love you feel for baby bug is tangible in all you write about her, and the pain of losing her is too. I'm so sorry the parents feel this way, it's terribly sad for you, and I believe for baby bug, no matter how much we can understand where they are coming from.

Thinking of her and of you.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Forgetfulone said...

I'm glad you loved Baby Bug, too. I know you're hurting. Just remember that you were there for her when she needed someone, and you gave her the best thing anyone could give her... love.

At 4:26 PM, Blogger Sally said...

I've been so behind on blogs b/c I'm traveling, so I just read about all this. I'm so sorry! You are so strong to put your heart out there like this. I pray that in 2 1/2 months, you will get to have that relationship with Baby Bug that you've been promised.

At 5:04 AM, Blogger bluebird of paradise said...

I haven't checked in with your blog for a while. I am so sorry for your pain. Being a foster parent has to be one of the toughest jobs ever. Keep your heart open. Perhaps what you have given to the parents is a role model for how they must strive to be.
my prayers are with you.

At 8:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for yours!

At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

She's beautiful.

I've been so worried about you and your family. It's like losing a child, and I'm guessing you'll go through the same grieving process. but you'll get through it. Really you will.

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Mrs. Breum said...

I just found your blog and had to comment because we're going through the almost same exact thing. Our foster baby (just over 10 months) is getting ready to go home, and bio mom is due in about 4 weeks with baby #2. Reading your blog made me cry and selfishly, I am thankful to have found someone who has done what I'm about to do, because I don't know how I will, really. Thank you for sharing on your blog!


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Name: Overwhelmed

My complete profile

It wasn't supposed to work this way...Parts 1 through 10

(the story of the private, domestic adoption of our son)

(Part 1)
(Part 2)
(Part 3)
(Part 4)
(Part 5)
(Part 6)
(Part 7)
(Part 8)
(Part 9)
(Part 10- Adoption Finalization)

Fostering isn't for the faint of heart!

(our journey to adopt again through foster-to-adopt, the good, the bad, & everything in between)

Adoption #2- considering the State
More Adoption #2 thoughts
Adoption #2- Back to considering the State
Adoption #2- The Paperwork (Round 1)
Adoption #2- The Paperwork (Round 2)
Family Foster Home Licensing Prep Checklist
Adoption #2- Long overdue update
PS-MAPP class homework assignment
Our preliminary home inspection went well!
Adoption #2: Licensing update
Adoption #2- Foster Facts
Adoption #2: I love it when things go my way!
Adoption #2- The home inspection
Adoption #2- We failed our home inspection!
Adoption #2- We passed the follow-up home inspection!
Adoption #2- Still waiting
Adoption #2- We're getting closer
Adoption #2- An update & a lead
Adoption #2- The lead that didn't pan out.
Adoption #2- We're licensed!
Adoption #2- We have a tiny baby here!
Adoption #2- Update on this precious little girl.
Adoption #2- Quick update on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- Baby Bug is staying longer!
Adoption #2- Baby Bug is growing!
Adoption #2- Overdue update on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- The latest on Baby Bug
Adoption #2- Shopping spree for Baby Bug
Being a Foster Parent Does Not Make Me A Saint
Adoption #2- Another Placement Call!
Adoption #2- Placement Meeting- UPDATED!
Adoption #2- We have Boo at our home!
Adoption #2- Meeting Boo
Adoption #2- I'm angry on Boo's behalf!
Adoption #2- A Birthday Party for Boo
Adjusting to three 3 and under!
Stressful moments in fostering.
Adoption #2- Update on our foster daughters
CPS Workers Jerking Our Chain!
It's getting much worse!
Fostering: Update on Baby Bug
Fostering: Update on Boo
The effects of fostering on Snuggle Bug
The time is drawing near to let go of Baby Bug.
Good conversation with Baby Bug's dad.
Boo has a Permanency hearing coming soon!
My heart is breaking!
Bittersweet news about Baby Bug.
Next Friday is going to be tough.
Packing up Baby Bug's belongings
It's done- Baby Bug is gone.
Working on finding peace, one day at a time.
Referral to the Early Intervention Program
Baby Bug update
Home Inspection for re-licensing
Parole granted for Boo's bio mom
Baby Bug is turning 1 year old soon.
Day 2 of Boo's permanency hearing
A prayer answered today!
Attending Baby Bug's 1st birthday party
Foster news
Good news for Boo's case
Boo's bio family visits
Termination Trial date set!
A new caseworker for Boo
I've been asked to testify in court.
Court hearing for "John Doe"
Contested termination trial begins tomorrow afternoon
Boo's adoption has been finalized!

It's done- Baby Bug is gone.
Packing up Baby Bug's belongings
Next Friday is going to be tough.
Sorry for the sporadic posting.
My first sewing class.
Favorite Ingredients Friday (Appetizers & Snacks E...
Boo and her babies!
More tutus!
Favorite Ingredients Friday (Whole Grain Pancakes)
WFMW- free trinket boxes

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