Saturday, July 08, 2006
You're next! (the race to expand families)
Remember how I mentioned in this post, how truly happy I am about the new babies expected in February 2007? Well I am happy, really I am, but I failed to realize what the news of these anticipated arrivals meant for us.
We're staying with Oronzo's parents this weekend, to allow them to have their much desired time with Snuggle Bug, and it didn't take long for the discussion to turn towards new babies and for them to tell us, "You're next!" followed by the question, "Have you heard anything on the adoption front?"
Oronzo's parents aren't the only ones asking about the progress on our efforts to adopt #2.
Suddenly we're in the spotlight with both sides of the family, as if it's now a race to expand our family as well.
I don't want it to be a race. I don't want to stress out about how long it's taking, as I did before we were matched with Snuggle Bug. I don't need pressure from our families because all it does is cause me to worry.
I worry, will we ever be matched again? Are we being naive in trying to be matched through family and friends again? Will we end up being forced to go through an agency in the end? Will a 2nd adoption even happen? We're not getting any younger, if it's meant to be how long will it take?
And then there's the guilt (hey, I'm Catholic, the guilt is always there) that we're trying to adopt another child when so many couples are desperately trying to adopt their first.
Snuggle Bug is only 18 months old. Why are our families suddenly in a rush for us to adopt again? Aren't we allowed to just enjoy being the parents to one fantastic little boy for a little while longer?
We do want to adopt a second child but we're not out to win any races in the process. We want it to happen in God's time. Is that so wrong?
We're staying with Oronzo's parents this weekend, to allow them to have their much desired time with Snuggle Bug, and it didn't take long for the discussion to turn towards new babies and for them to tell us, "You're next!" followed by the question, "Have you heard anything on the adoption front?"
Oronzo's parents aren't the only ones asking about the progress on our efforts to adopt #2.
Suddenly we're in the spotlight with both sides of the family, as if it's now a race to expand our family as well.I don't want it to be a race. I don't want to stress out about how long it's taking, as I did before we were matched with Snuggle Bug. I don't need pressure from our families because all it does is cause me to worry.
I worry, will we ever be matched again? Are we being naive in trying to be matched through family and friends again? Will we end up being forced to go through an agency in the end? Will a 2nd adoption even happen? We're not getting any younger, if it's meant to be how long will it take?
And then there's the guilt (hey, I'm Catholic, the guilt is always there) that we're trying to adopt another child when so many couples are desperately trying to adopt their first.
Snuggle Bug is only 18 months old. Why are our families suddenly in a rush for us to adopt again? Aren't we allowed to just enjoy being the parents to one fantastic little boy for a little while longer?
We do want to adopt a second child but we're not out to win any races in the process. We want it to happen in God's time. Is that so wrong?
18 Comments:
No racing is needed. Wanting to go slow and in God's own timing is the best way to go. It's not wrong to want the pressure gone, in fact, sounds quite normal. :) Maybe you need to express those feelings to your families and let them know that no pressure would be a good thing.
Blessings
More than likely they are pushing and prodding to be sure that they are in the loop. My father-in-law does this. He asks the most inappropraite questions sometimes and mostly he does this for conversation and to make sure he is included. Sigh. -Love on Snugglebug...and ignore the rest.
People do this whether you're adopting or giving birth to children. They just want to know. At some point you can ask people not to ask, and tell them that when there is news, you PROMISE they'll know. As for feeling guilty about wanting to adopt #2, heck no! You will get the child you are meant to have, whether its sooner OR later. (I'm Jewish and pretty adept at the guilt thing myself).
Don't let the others rush you into anything you're not ready for yet...Snuggle Bug needs your full attention right now and having another baby too soon will interfere with that. I had my two boys 3 years apart and I found that perfect:-) Relatives and friends always mean well but you'll have to just tell them that when the time is right, you'll let them know, otherwise you are just enjoying the baby you have now! I strongly believe in fate and what is meant to happen will happen!
You already know my thoughts on this one! :) But I don't think you should feel guilty for adopting a 2nd child. There are a lot of families out there who have adopted more than once. But yes, just enjoy him while you can and all we can do is have faith that the rest will happen when it's supposed to!
I think there really is this "baby race" mentality. I seem to see it a lot more now that friends and siblings are getting married or have been married a few years. Everyone is in a hurry to add to their families.
Don't feel guilty about adopting again-- I truly believe that the right babies find the right families! If you guys have the desire to adopt again, it must mean your kid is already out there somewhere in the universe, with a big OW stamp on him/her!
Take your time, enjoy your days with Snuggle Bug, and don't let everyone else's pressure give you anxiety! It'll happen when it is supposed to.
There is nothing at all wrong with wanting more children, 2, 3 or more! God knows the desires of our hearts and he knows what we need to be truely happy. He also knows what the child needs. Some children do fine as an only child, others do better with siblings.
Also, I wouldn't fear going through an agency. Bethany Christian Services, a Christian agency handles all kinds of adoptions (Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife adopted three girls though Bethany). They also have a grant program. http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/
Bethany also offers counseling free for life to mothers who give their children up for adoption.
Enjoy your Snuggle Bug! What a gift from God he is.
Oh, guilt - I kind of dwell in it at times (raised Irish-Catholic -- sunglasses work well at times when I am overwhelmed and can't face the world ;)
I had conversations right along this line with a guest at our party yesterday. They adopted a little girl four years ago after several years of infertility treatments.
They are very anxious for child number 2 as she is 40 and he is 50. Their little girl is a delight and the joy of their lives...
Definitely go at your own pace. The most important ones to be ready are you and your husband!
Everyone else has said it all. Go with your heart. I love my kids being 3 years and 3 1/2 years apart. Couldn't imagine doing it any closer!! 2 in diapers? No thanks.
You could come up with a good one liner when repeatedly asked "WHEN, when WHEN?" Like, "It's not a race." Ummm. That's all I can think of. But you get my drift.
I'm sure that things will happen at just the right moment (don't they always?) I understand that there are lots of couples who are trying to adopt their first baby, but that number of parents who are trying to adopt isn't even close to the number of children that need homes. Try not to feel guilty ( I know that's hard to do!) Hopefully everything works out perfectly.
Take it one day at a time. The desire in your heart to adopt another baby is totally God's desire too...didn't He adopt us all? That's what He's all about. Making families, all kinds and sizes of families. It'll happen in His good timing and if you continue to trust and leave it with Him, you'll not be disappointed.
No, it's not wrong to want to wait on God's timing. This is YOUR family now! It's hard to ignore the urgings of other family members, but waiting on God's timing is always what's best.
And don't feel guilty. It's not necessary.
It will happen when it is supposed to happen and feeling pained by the wait, or guilt from all the crap that comes with adoption is completely normal and healthy. So bitch as you would like, feel the agony of the wait and enjoy a little guilt...it's going to happen anyway you might as well embrace it! LOL
Our kids come to us in all kinds of ways. My son remarked the other night that I have "had" more kids since my hysterectomy than before it--two by birth, two by marriage, one courtesy of a former relationship, and two who just "asked" to be. I know that all sounds kind of confusing--e-mail me if you want a more intelligible account!
all this to say, God sends our children to us in all kinds of unexpected ways. If the loving hearts are ready, He will fill them in His time.
You said it best God has his own time for these things. When he wants it to happen it will...
trust me I know1 I tried to get preggo for 3 years and was told many times it might not happen. I was on my way to giving up when I got the news I was pregnant. God's time and plan was unknown to us, but I am so glad it all worked out is way!
You are absolutely not wrong! Snuggle Bug is still young. Enjoy your time with him. You will know when the time is right.
I totally totally understand....I have been asked sooo many times since we lost our second baby when we are going to have another!! ARG! I don't know go ask God!
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